Romantic Comedies can be hazardous to your relationship

Recent research is showing you shouldn't take romantic comedies seriously.

Labels: life, love, marriage, relationships

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:50 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

A marriage role model

Dan's aunt and uncle are really good role models for marriage. Married since the Second World War, they have remained active and spry and together ever since (and they are well into their 80s).

She had a stroke the week before last. But they are tackling that with aplomb!

The stroke left Christine exhausted, with minimal use of her left arm and leg. Still, she was going crazy after being stuck in the house for a week. So they decided to go out.

Only problem is that they had to go somewhere that she could sit down at a moment's notice.

So they went to a furniture store! Isn't that brilliant?

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: goals, happy unions, marriage, togetherness

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:48 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Wedding Night Sex

Labels: marriage, sex, weddings

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:10 PM 7 Comments Links to this post

Venting 101: How to share your stress with someone you love

The boss has gone crazy, the kids are climbing the walls (or have you doing so), the car has overheated, the bills are piling up, your mother spent the afternoon on the phone criticizing you and your dog has thrown-up on the new carpet while you were in the process of burning supper.

Ever had a day like that?

We all have.

These are the days when you just can't wait for your partner to get home so you can unburden yourself by telling them about your day by reliving every agonizing, irritating, frustrating detail. Sometimes it seems like the only way you can blow off steam (either that or noshing on an entire cheesecake).

However, we need to keep in mind that our spouse may not be ready to take on all the stress that is about to come their way. Janice Taylor (described by O Magazine as "a kooky genius") is a weight loss coach and motivational speaker and she gives some tips for venting to your partner in a way that takes into account their feelings too.

1. Ask Permission: "Is this a good time to listen? I need to share the gruesome details of my crazy day." If the answer is "NO!" Respect that No! Ask, "Please let me know when it is a good time."
2. Timing: Before you launch into your bucket list of upset, frazzled nerves and complaints (all justified, of course), do check in with your main squeeze to see if he or she is equally stressed.
3. Be Clear: Are you sharing, looking for feedback, or just need a place to be heard. If all you want is to be heard. Start the conversation off with "Please, do not respond. Just listen -intently! I need you to be with me. That's all."
4. Time Yourself: Vent, talk, share ... dump ... whatever you want to call it for a maximum of one minute and then check in and see if the person is still with you. Really 30 seconds would be better. Don't take advantage of the 'sharee.'
5. Responsibility: Ultimately, it is your stress. Support is GREAT! But no one can singularly fix it.

For the complete article, follow the link to Janice Taylor's blog.

We have written many times in this blog about the importance of empathy in a good relationship. This is another example of when empathy comes in handy. Get that load off your mind...absolutely! But do it in such a way that takes into account the way your partner might be feeling also.

Happy Couples, Happy planet!

Labels: life, marriage, relationships

posted by Heather and Dan @ 4:18 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

Want your relationship to last? Don't have an affair....and other amazing marriage tips!

According to a recent survey conducted in the UK, extramarital affairs are the number one cause driving couples apart. Affairs! Problems in the bedroom are cited as number two.

Huh?

Don't the experts always tell us that 'money' is the biggest bone of contention couples have? Who are all these people having affairs? And why?

I'd have to say that if your marriage is being decimated by one or more parties having an affair, the fling is not likely the root of the break up. The affair is most likely a symptom of whatever is driving the couple apart. One partner feels unappreciated by his spouse, so he seeks the company of someone who thinks he is fabulous. Another partner feels lonely because her partner works shift work, and instead of talking to her partner she goes out and find someone who is there in the moment.

How do you get at what is actually causing the rift between partners? Well, I will tell you.

Wait for it...

(This is quite revolutionary.)

Communicate with each other.

Yep. Tell each other how you feel BEFORE the problem escalates and BEFORE you get the urge to start trolling for a newer model. Some problems are difficult to talk about, like sex (major problem number two according to the survey). It doesn't matter, you still need to communicate about it.

Do it in person, in a letter, in a card, in an e-mail, over the phone, or through a counsellor... just do it. Speak with love and from a place that talks about how YOU feel. Try not to blame. Always try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt... if the other person abuses this trust then we have bigger issues.

CouplesQuestions Online Marriage Prep program is ideal for engaged and newly married couples to start their marriages off with those lines of communication open. Why not give it a try?

Incidentally, work stress or lack of work-life balance is noted as the third biggest factor in marital break down.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: marriage, relationships, sex

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:21 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Trading Places Blog Book tour

As promised, here is our post for participation in our first blog book tour. We posed 3 questions to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (Ok we were only supposed to pose one question, but I couldn't decide what to ask so I left it up to them) They very kindly answered all my questions below.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of www.RealRelationships.com and the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their bestselling books include Love Talk, Your Time Starved Marriage, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Their work has been featured in the New York Times and USA Today and they have appeared on CNN, Good Morning America, and Oprah.

Q1. In your book Trading Places, you mention that one way to gain a greater empathy toward your partner is to learn more about their family of origin and understand better why they are who they are. Not all couples will have access to 3 days worth of home videos to go through (as did the lucky fellow discussed in your book!). In what other ways would you suggest a couple addresses each other’s upbringing as a way to develop a deeper level of mutual empathy?

A1. Sure. This is a process, rather than an event. It takes place through a variety of means. Leslie and I dated for seven years before we got married and we’ve been married 24 years (as of this June) – and we’re still learning about each other’s families and how they shaped who we are.
Here are some ideas on how you can explore your partner’s early years.

One of the most obvious ways is to simply ask about it. We’re always amazed when we are eating at a coffee shop of something and see a couple at another table sitting through their entire meal in silence. It’s almost as if they’ve run out of things to talk about. Don’t let this happen to you. When you have those moments of down time in the car or over a meal and you don’t know what to talk about, make it a point to ask your spouse about his or her childhood. For example, you can ask:

· What was the best gift you ever received as a child and why?

· What was your proudest moment during your gradeschool years?

· What was your favorite thing to do with your mom? Your dad?

· When did you feel most insecure as a child and why?

· What was a typical Saturday like for you when you were in the fourth grade?

· How do you think your birth order in your family shaped who you are today?

· If you could change one thing about your childhood what would it be and why?

· Did you ever feel really betrayed by someone as a kid growing up? What happened?

These are just a few of the kinds of question you can think of on your own to drill down on your spouse’s early years. In addition, take out some of his or her childhood photos. Look at them with your spouse and ask him or her to describe when it was taken and what was going on and how he or she felt at that time.

We’ve also known couples who have learned tons about each other by visiting the old homes and neighborhoods and schools where each of them grew up. In fact, we’ve done this ourselves and it was a real eye opener. You can’t help but to say things like, “Oh, I hadn’t remembered this until just now, but I was standing right here when …”

Still, the quickest and easiest way to explore each other’s family of origin – with an eye on Trading Places – is to simply ask each other creative questions about those early years.

Q2. What role do you see TV and other media playing in society’s current empathetic state (or lack thereof)? We are interested in your opinion regarding both what is on TV (and other media) and the preoccupation with watching TV.

You know, research actually shows that some people can’t help but empathize with the people they are watching in a TV or film, whether it be a fictional character or a real person. Others watch a program with more objectivity. Either way, we are all learning lessons about relationships from the news stories we see on TV, the sitcoms we watch, and the films we see – for better or worse.

The other night we were watching a portion of the fascinating historical series on John Adams. We loved seeing the relationship he had with his wife Abigail. We loved imagining what we would have been like if we’d been living during that time period, struggling with so many things we take for granted in this age. A program like this can be a great catalyst for empathy when you explore how your spouse would be in a similar setting or time period.

Of course, like most of the country, we are hooked on American Idol. We don’t see every episode, but we see enough to cringe when Simon can’t seem to bite his tongue and blurts out his critique. No matter how right he might be, he rarely says it with much empathy. Of course, Paula can barely utter a sentence without a heavy dose of sympathy, if not empathy – and that doesn’t make for nearly as good television, we must admit, as wondering what Simon will say next.

The bottom line on TV and empathy is that it can be a terrific catalyst for conversation – if a couple takes the time to debrief and process what they’ve viewed together. Be it a good example on the screen or not, a follow up conversation that explores both spouse’s experience of the show is valuable; and can often be a portal to greater empathy for each other.

Q3. Since reading Trading Places, we have not only been consciously practicing more empathy in our marriage, but also practicing more empathy with our children. What are the benefits of overtly teaching empathy to children for their relationships and for society?

What a great benefit for the entire family! This is one of the most important qualities we can model for our kids. As parents of two young boys, ages 5 and 10, we are intentional about not only trying to empathize with them – being their parents – but we work hard to help them empathize with us and with each other. Empathy is at the heart of every healthy family and it doesn’t happen without great intentional efforts from mom and dad.

So we commend you! You have no idea how many ridiculous conflicts can be avoided by seeing the issue from your child’s point of view – and vice versa. In fact, while writing Trading Places, we wondered whether we should write another book called Trading Places With Your Kids. Imagine how this practice would smooth out so many of the wrinkles of adolescence! Maybe, as our kids get older, we just might write it.

We at CouplesQuestions hope you do! Thanks very much for answering our questions so well.

For a peek inside the book go to the Zondervan (the publisher) website. Look for our full book review in this space soon or check out our e-zine article.

The next stop on the blog book tour is A Marriage Therapist's Blog. For a full list of the blogs participating in this tour, follow the link.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: love, marriage, recommended, relationships

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:24 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Blog Book Tour

CouplesQuestions is participating in a something new (at least for us): a Blog Book Tour.

This two week blog book tour is for Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott's upcoming new book titled Trading Places: The Best Move You'll Ever Make In Your Marriage! Follow the link to read an overview of the book. We've read and enjoyed the book and will be posting our review in this space soon.

Tomorrow, we will be the first blog in the book tour to welcome the authors' responses to our questions about the subject matter of the book: practicing empathy in your marriage. Whether you are engaged, newly married or are a seasoned hand at marital bliss, you will benefit from this idea and this book.

The complete schedule for Les & Leslie Parrott’s blog tour for Trading Places can be found here.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of RealRelationships.com and the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. Their bestselling books include Love Talk, Your Time Starved Marriage, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: marriage, recommended

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:17 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

Wedding Planning Checklist

We've just put the finishing touches on the CQ checklist for anyone planning a wedding.

It's a "to do" list, starting at the beginning and counting down to your Big Day. The list hits all the important things to do before getting married, along with relationship tips to keep the bride and groom sane and still in love!

Even though we are all about the marriage, rather than the wedding (that is the relationship rather than the ceremony)... well, we just can't help ourselves.

But we hope it helps you!

It will guide you through the steps of finding a reception hall, sending wedding invitations, finding a wedding dress, deciding on menu, choosing readings... Don't forget your marriage license! Phew, there's a lot to it! Are you sure you don't just want to elope?

Another route is to hire a good wedding planner to do a lot of this stuff for you. If he or she knows their way around they can save you a bundle. We've got an article on wedding savings in our premarital library, by the way, in which Darsi makes just that point. But even if you do go that route, you'll still find our checklist keeps you thinking about the relationship.

But back to the wedding planning checklist
It is available as a bonus for subscribers when you sign up for our marriage preparation program.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: about CouplesQuestions, marriage, resources, weddings

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:24 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Am I too young to get married?

How old are you? How old is your partner? Are you or your partner under the age of 25?

There is no magic age to get married. Younger couples and older couples alike can have very happy and successful marriages. However it must be stated that, on average, couples that get married under the age of 25 are significantly more likely to get divorced than their older counterparts. Statistics show the younger you are when you marry, the more likely you are to split up. After 25, the effect levels off.

It is not difficult to imagine why those who marry young have a harder time staying together. Those under 25 will likely have varying degrees of immaturity and lack some of the emotional development and communicative skills required in a successful serious relationship.

Also, many younger married couples are tying the knot for the wrong reasons. Perhaps an unplanned pregnancy, perhaps a desire to leave the family home and a chance to be “grown up”, or perhaps it just seem like the right thing to do because you really love the other person. It also might be the case, especially for many younger women, that they are caught up in the fairytale ideal of being a bride and a wife.

If you are under 25, we consider that to be a bit of a red flag for possible trouble down the line. We recommend three possible actions to give yourselves a greater chance at success in marriage:

1. Wait a few years before getting married, if possible. If you are in love enough to get married, a year or two more shouldn’t matter.


2. Hold off on having children for the first few years. That will give you invaluable time to enjoy yourselves as a couple, before the demands of parenting. Actually, this is good advice for most couples. But the younger you are, the more freedom you have before the biological clock starts ticking.


3. Do some kind of marriage preparation through your church or temple or synagogue, with a counselor, or through our online marriage preparation program.

At the very least, ask yourself this (and be honest): What is the rush? Am I really getting married for the right reasons? You deserve the best relationship and the best life possible.

Make your decisions wisely.

Labels: marriage, premarital 101, premarriage questions, weddings

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:24 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

How do I find a pre marriage course or counseling?

Our first recommendation is always to go with an accredited counselor. The AAMFT has a searchable list of marriage therapists for the US and Canada.

It's worth asking around for recommendations from people you know. You might start with your wedding planner or whoever will be performing your wedding ceremony. Ask anyone you know who got married in the past few years, as well. Also, ask any happily married couple that you think of as a role model -- even if they are not recently married, they may know someone or have heard of someone.

Your place of worship may also have a program or someone that they suggest. Classroom marriage preparation is often offered through community centres or continuing education programs.

One thing you should be aware of is that courses are often given by churches who are trying to attract people back into the fold. That is fair enough and might be to your benefit -- hey, they are not going to entice you back to church if they put on a crappy program! But if that doesn't appeal to you, then ask the question before signing up.

Lastly, there are a number of online options, including us of course (if you don't want to go the counselor route).

Labels: marriage, premarital 101, resources

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:03 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

What is Love Sickness?

Ever wondered about the chemistry of romance and falling in love?

Maybe not. Who wants to think about anything but your beloved during those early days of adoration and irresistibility, right? But when you, the thinking romantic, come up for air you may be interested to know that a fairly involved array of chemicals sets to work as we find ourselves in strongly attached to another. And, that over time those chemicals shift and change as more from the heady days of excitement and infatuation and we move into the more comfortable, secure phase of a relationship.

Whether you are getting married or have been so for years you probably already have a sense (or experience) of these shifts and changes to your relationship on an emotional level. Now we are gaining a greater understanding of what is happening during these stages of love at at the physical level.

Interested in a little human biochemistry lesson for the amorous phenomenon? Nicole Tomlinson of the CBC has written a very accessible article in which she examines the complex emotions of infatuation, passion and devotion and ponders whether they really boil down to a series of chemical reactions. A very interesting read.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: love, marriage, relationships

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:46 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Airplane Emergency

We were several thousand feet above the Strait of Georgia when trouble hit.

It's funny. I was composing a blog in my head during the flight, because it was too bumpy to read. But it wasn't going to this one.

I fly a lot for work, mostly in Twin Otter floatplanes to Vancouver and back. I was thinking the flights were a metaphor for marriage: fabulously exotic at first, then routine and comfortable. But if you look for it or if something out of the ordinary happens, you realize that flying amongst the mountains and islands is pretty magical.

Anyway, smoke wafting from the instrument panel put an end to that line of thought. I was sitting right behind the pilot and co-pilot, alone in the first row. I was hoping that no one behind me could see the smoke. I didn't want them to worry unnecessarily. Turns out they could all see it.

The flight crew were pretty calm. Actually, they always have a really laid back, but professional air about them. But I could see that they were trying to figure out what was up.

The smoke abated. I decided it must have been condensation in the heaters. And the sun was sparkling off the water. It was breathtakingly beautiful, especially after the freezing rain and turbulence we'd just flown out of.

The crew were still watching the gauges pretty closely, though. I don't know much about flying, but I can read as well as anyone. And several gauges had gone from green to yellow.

Just as we hit Active Pass, things got scary. The smoke started again. We flew into more rain, with slushy ice building up on the edges of the windscreen. It was bumpy and you could hear the wind howling outside, which you can't normally. The co-pilot throttled back on the port engine and it slowed then stopped. It was such a sinking feeling.

Worse was the whine from the other engine as they went to full throttle. I couldn't help wondering how long it could run on full. I hoped it had to be hours and we only needed 20 minutes.

You feel so exposed when something goes wrong in a plane. I kept thinking about World War II aircrews, flying without the safety regimes and emergency crews and GPS and advanced weather forecasting and radar. I especially thought of the guys who had trained in this very area, many of whom died in planes that hit mountainsides during nighttime missions or storms.

The last time I was in an incident on one of the planes (last week, believe it or not), it was over before it began. We aborted take off after being airborne for about two feet.

This was different... we had lots of time to worry.

to be continued...

Labels: life, marriage

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:05 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Rules to improve your relationship

Every girl what has ever hung around a grocery store magazine rack, knows there is always a lot of good saucy, sexy stuff in any copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Because of that, I can only assume that this publication is sometimes dismissed as "fluff". Yet, this little post is a reminder that terrific information can be found in many and varied places - and this month's Cosmo is no exception to that fact.

In the November issue, there is an article that outlines some really good advice. The “22 best relationship tips ever" covers everything from communication to intimacy to sex...all the kinds of stuff couples planning to get married should be talking about. Six of these rules are outlined in an online article stemming from a discussion between Cosmo Editor in Chief, Kate White, and Dr. Dale Atkins, author of "Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Lead a Balanced Life".

In brief, their tips for couples for couples to strengthen and improve their relationships include:

1. Change it up - act out of character, avoid getting into ruts
2. Talk it out - communicate, really listen and acknowledge each other's feelings
3. Be tolerant - "everybody has their stuff and you do to", don't focus on the negative
4. Make time for each other - like the ad says, "Just do it"
5. Continue the courtship -do the things you used to do when you first met -- take walks, go for coffee, have dates, hold hands
6. Steer clear - pay attention to what doesn't work and avoid doing it again. Remember your partner can't read your mind, so for this you have to go back to rule number 2.
   

All really good advice and definitely worth exploring in detail with your partner no matter what stage of your relationship you are in. Whether you are engaged to be married and looking to start your life together off right, or whether you've been hitched for years, every relationship is worth examining and giving attention to. Take the time to do it.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: love, marriage, premarriage questions, recommended, relationships

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:43 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Media learning

We were interviewed this afternoon for a local TV show, The Daily. And we learned something valuable.

Which is... always clean under the couch and the big comfy chair. The place was awfully darn neat and clean, but James the camera man wanted a different background, so we did an impromptu furniture arranging session.

And, holy Hannah! What a mess under the couch! Somebody must've shipped dust in from the Sahara. And there were long-missing books and toys that we'd given up on. The thing is we do clean under there, honest. But...

Now we take some solace from the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage" which notes that only dull women (with children, at least) have immaculate houses. Hey, they said it, not us!

In fact, they get at a very good point: once you have kids in the mix, something has to give. For most couples, the standard of household neatness is one of the first casualties. You simply have to set your priorities. If you try to keep up all the extracurricular activities or have a spotless house you will drive yourself and each other nuts.

Still, I do fantasize sometimes about how clean and neat everything will be when the kids are both in university!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

P.S. Ironically, as I type this Heather has just squirted soy sauce all over the white couch. Yes, I did say white. (The couch was bought several years before the children arrived. We're not that goofy!)

Labels: fun, happy unions, marriage, parenting

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:04 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Marriage, Jane's Guide

Warning: Risque content!

JaneSays has two thoughtful pieces on marriage in the last two days. Being the sex-positive, alternative sort that she is, she has a wider range of experience than most of us.

I didn't find the blog easy to navigate so here are the two posts:

• the first has the unlikely title of 'books and rain and colds, part deux', but trust me, it moves onto marriage
• the second post -- 'more on marriage' -- follows from the first

Warning again: Jane's Guide (the blog is part of it) is a sex site, with explicit everything including ads. If that isn't your thing, don't follow the links.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: marriage, sex

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:01 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Married seniors are financially better off

In Canada, only one percent of married seniors live below the poverty line. In 1980, seven percent did.

Now this is a really phenomenal improvement. From 7 to 1 may not seem like that big a difference, but think of it this way. If you lined up these seniors and started counting, you'd find number 13 living in poverty in 1980. Now, you'd have to count all the way to 100 before hitting one living in poverty. *

Single seniors have also seen large improvements, though not as dramatic as for the married. For men, the rate has gone from 47% to 13%. For women, the rate has dropped from 57% to 20%.

It would be interesting to know what accounts for the married/single differences:

• Does a successful marriage spill over into success elsewhere in life?
• Is it that government support programs are more helpful to married couples?
• Is it that retirement benefits tend to get cut upon the death of one spouse?

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!
*We know that isn't exactly how the distribution would be in a real random sample, but it is easier to write. This information, by the way, comes via Maclean's magazine.

Labels: marriage

posted by Heather and Dan @ 5:47 AM 0 Comments Links to this post