Some say “Yes, absolutely!”

If you are freshly engaged or newly married, it may seem difficult to imagine time when you’d want to take a separate vacation from your partner. But the time may come when doing just that will turn out to be a great thing for your relationship.

Susan Schwartz, a CanWest reporter, writes about this in her article “Spouses go separate vacation ways“. She states, according to Betty Goldwarg, who is a Montreal psychotherapist, travelling independently can help partners to grow individually and as a couple. Schwartz goes on to say taking a trip, however long or short, without one’s partner means seeing a place from a different perspective than you would together — and returning home with stories to tell.

Dan and I LOVE to get away together. In fact, we recently had an incredible night away at Sooke Harbour House that renewed our romance and left us well-fed and rested. But having said that, we each encourage the other to take breaks now and again — especially now that our lives are so busy with work and with the children. The breaks are also a great idea because we don’t share ALL the same interests and they give us a chance to explore some of the things we like to do individually.

I recently had a weekend away with my girlfriends and Dan had a week in Halifax hanging out with his brother. I love it that we encouraged each other to take these trips. It’s always hard to leave, but it really makes me appreciate him and miss him. Strange, but it feels good missing him. I think he feels the same way, too.

Separate vacations are a good idea as long as the relationship is on stable footing. As Schwartz says, solo vacations can work, as long as the couple has a committed relationship that is healthy and sound. She refers to psychologist Marla Yanofsky who notes “If there is a strength in the couple, it can be seen as a healthy thing — that there is independence.” If all a couple takes is separate vacations or if one person resents the other person taking off on their own, then there could be a problem.

Why not talk this issue over with your partner. Ask them how they would feel taking a holiday on their own. Ask them how they would feel about you doing it? Discuss it, talk about pros and cons, and set some goals for ways to have some time apart AND strengthen your relationship. This kind of communication is really beneficial early on in a relationship and will help you avoid pitfalls later on.

Need other ideas of things to chew over with your loved one? Go to CouplesQuestions.com and find ways to make your marriage extraordinary.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Many a muggle is experiencing the hoopla and the excitement around the new Harry Potter movie and the upcoming release of the final installment of the books. I know I personally can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of of the book and plan to take pleasure in every page.

Because of all the hype, we thought this piece (in part below) from marriage.about.com rather fitting. The only lesson that we would add to their list is preparedness. Just like in life (and when fighting Death Eaters and other evil forces) we believe in the critical importance of preparing for your marriage and setting this most important of relationships up for success. Think of preparing for your marriage (not just your wedding) as an investment in your future together.

Twenty-Two Tips for Your Marriage from Sheri & Bob Stritof,

Although Rowling has her critics, there are many folks who have read her Harry Potter books and judge her to be not only a good story teller, but also a philosopher and moral teacher as she writes about happiness, fear, and one’s journey through life. Here are some lessons the two of you, as a married couple, can learn from Harry Potter and his friends.

1. Truth. Call a spade a spade. Don’t dance around a topic. However, truth in your marriage can be a double edged sword. Truth can be both beautiful and terrible. Truth needs to be used with caution.

2. Choices. According to Dumbledore, the importance of your choices is that they can show who you truly are. Dumbledore often focuses on choices and how they can determine your character over the long term.

3. Unfairness. Life can be unfair. Think about the many times Harry and his friends were treated unfairly, unkindly or disrepectfully by the Dursleys, Snape, Malfoy, Umbridge and others. Don’t give up when tough times hit your marriage. In the face of unfair and faulty decisions, expect better from one another.

The article also goes on to describe what Harry Potter teaches us about…

4. Relationships.
5. Friendships.
6. Goals.
7. Protection.
8. Courage.
9. First Impressions.
10. Second Chances.

…and much more!! It’s a good little article and worth a read. For the rest of the twenty two life lessons check out the whole article at http://marriage.about.com/od/tips/qt/harrypotter.htm

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Dan and I always do this thing when we are out in certain public places together. It’s something we think of as “our thing” even though we believe it to be more than a bit geeky. It is an activity we know will truly embarrass our children in the years to come.

Inevitably, when out at Home Depot or a farmer’s market or a museum, we get separated by whatever has peaked our individual interest. When we find each other again some time later, we always pretend that we have suddenly and unexpectedly come across a person we haven’t seen in a while. Sometimes it’s a long lost friend, sometimes it’s an old flame, but we always make a big show and say things like, “Dan? is that you? My God you look fantastic!” or “I knew you’d walk back into my life one day, Gorgeous!”. These greetings are always followed by big hugs and kisses and usually some silly small talk.

I’m not sure why or how we started doing this. It has simply become one of the dorky things we do as a couple. But now I am happy to report that this frivolous activity may be helping to keep romance alive in our relationship.

Psychologist Elizabeth Dunn is an assistant professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, BC. She has come up with a theory that my actually help long-term couples re-kindle their romance. According to a report by Stuart Hunter, for the CanWest News Service, Dunn’s theory might be called the “Benjamin Effect”.

Here’s how it all started: Dunn used to have a boyfriend, Benjamin, in whom she noticed a particular behaviour. Some days he would come home sad or grumpy and she would always show him the appropriate sympathy. But then, if they went out for a walk and bumped into an acquaintance, he would perk right up in the presence of the new person. She must have wondered, “Why the heck are you all sullen with me, your GIRLFRIEND, but perfectly happy and cheerful with this person you barely know?”

She took her questions and, along with some colleagues at the university, began her study of hundreds of participants to see if they, too, perked up when faced with someone they didn’t know too well. What did she conclude? According to Hunter’s summation, she concluded that “the best way for couples to rekindle romance is to pretend they are strangers and put their best face forward (called self-presentation process) as if on a first date.”

Dunn stated, “People in this condition ended up feeling happier, enjoying the conversation more than people in the control condition.” She goes on to say, “It’s like scientific evidence for the value of Valentine’s Day.”

The full study will be published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in the June 4th edition in the impressive title “Misunderstanding the Affective Consequences of Everyday Social Interactions: The Hidden Benefits of Putting One’s Best Face Forward”.

I love it when science makes it OK for my husband and I to be goof-balls.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Plenty. You see, religious differences are one of the key predictors of marital breakdown. And our little family has had to navigate these waters.

Heather is Catholic, her family are active in the Church, and her uncle is a priest. I am d) none of the above. In fact, my mother is a confirmed atheist. (One of my favourite lines from a movie is in The Emerald Forest: “Oh, they are confirming atheists now?!”)

Heather and I came to an explicit agreement on the subject before we got married:

• We would be married by a Unitarian minister.
• I would never attend Church; Heather and the kids would.
• The children would be baptised Catholic and able to make up their own minds later.
• I would attend key events such as baptisms.

Your own agreement on about how you will handle religion in your marriage will likely look quite different from ours. But one word in ours should apply to yours: “explicit”.

Even if one of you is converting to the other’s religion, you still need to agree on how often, where and when you will attend services. AND the convert deserves some thanks, in this world not the next. Moving away from a lifetime of belief is not done lightly.

If you are of different religions or if one is religious and the other isn’t, then you need to spell things out all the more clearly. It is very easy to make assumptions and end up feeling betrayed when your partner turns out not to share those assumptions. For example, the more devout you are, the harder it is to believe that your bride or groom-to-be won’t see the light. (This, in my experience, applies equally to atheists and to believers.)

In addition, you may well face pressures from your family or from your spouse’s family. It is much better to have an agreed upon line ahead of time. If you are making decisions on the fly, you will often find yourselves tripping over them.

Ultimately, our agreement has worked very well for us. But there were hiccups…

which will be the topic of another post. Tomorrow, my inlaws will be thankful for my spirit of compromise and I will be thankful for having such great inlaws.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

- Dan

Not much else to say, really.

I love Christmas. It is by far my favourite holiday, though we make an effort not to go overboard.

Heather and I make a pact not to get gifts for each other, each year. And every year, I cheat and get her something. She has cottoned on, though, and bought me something this year.

To my mind, gift-giving is mostly about kids. And we had a great time watching Millie open her presents (and everyone else’s). She was quite spoiled this year and — at two years old — she if finally understanding what the gifts are. The last two Christmases were all about eating wrapping paper.
For us, Christmas is more about family. We live close to our parents (by design, after years of living and traveling far from home). My parents usually host a Christmas Eve get together, then we host Christmas morning for brunch and a Secret Santa gift exchange, then my in-laws host a dinner with all the trimmings.

The Secret Santa works well for us. We set a $50 limit. Each person contributes one gift and we each get a chance to unwrap a present or to steal an already unwrapped one from someone who has already opened. It’s fun, some of the gifts are really creative, and I always look forward to it. It makes Christmas shopping a breeze and really removes much of the stress. And, as we have all been adults for some time, we all have more than we need already. We still get the joy of giving, but without collecting piles of stuff that we don’t really need.

How you handle holidays is something you should discuss with your spouse. Ideally, before you get married, of course. Do you want to start your own traditions? Do you like the way your family handled things? Will you spend a given holiday with your parents or your spouse’s? Do you want to start celebrating on your own?

Remember, too, that holidays can be stressful. In fact, many people do not have happy associations with, for example, Christmas. Starting a married life together can give you the opportunity to change that with traditions or approaches that work better for you.

All the best for the holidays, to you and yours.

-Dan

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!