In a previous post, we mentioned that we’d get back to an article from the New York Times*. Then the holidays intervened.

There’s something in the article we disagree with. And we don’t think it is just a conflict of interest!

Near the end of the article, they recommend taking an indirect approach to finding out about each other, using “teachable moments”. Basically, you slyly start interrogating your partner whenever an opportunity presents itself.

We think that approach has some real limitations:

• It’s awkward and you might not be very good at it.
• You may come across as having an agenda or, worse, being manipulative or dishonest.
• Lastly, do you really know the questions to ask? There are a lot of them.

For our money, we think the average couple would be much better off going through a formal process of premarriage assessment or education. Get your cards out on the table and make it clear what is going on.

The potential conflict of interest, of course, is that is what CouplesQuestions does. Our premarital program is about asking the questions you need to when you are getting married. It is a small investment of time and money that will pay rich divendends down through your years together.

How small an investment? Currently, $49 USD and a minimum of about five hours each. You can spend a lot more time if you need to and we know several people who got through in a speedy two hours.

For most people, a more rigorous approach like CouplesQuestions is the way to go:

• You get guidance on what questions you need to ask and references you can turn to when you aren’t clear about something. No need to fumble about hoping that you aren’t going to say something dumb.
• You can have a clear discussion, in which both parties know what is going on. Much less potential for misunderstanding and assumptions.
• And much less chance that one of you is going to feel you were ambushed.

You can find a format that is going to work for you. It might not be us! It might be through your church or temple, or through a couples therapist, or through an evening class or weekend retreat. There are a whole range of options.

(Come to think of it, it would probably be worthwhile for us to post a list of the other options out there for you. OK, we will. Promise!)

* The article is now in their archives, so you’ll need to sign up for a free trial to be able to see it. Or become a Times Select member, which is probably well worth it. The New York Times is one of the few papers that gives serious thought to questions around marriage and relationships on an ongoing basis. Sadly, we can’t offer you a copy of the text — it’ll cost $1,000 for a year of posting.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!