Tofino Weddings...cancelled due to water shortage?

"Ever since I met you on a cloudy Monday, I can't believe how much Iove the rain". Chantal Kreviazuk

One of our favourite places in the world is going through a very tough time these days caused, of all things, by a lack of rain. Tofino, BC in the picturesque westcoast of Vancouver Island is facing a water severe shortage and businesses, including hotels and resorts, are being forced to temporarily close their doors and turn away customers. Undoubtedly couples planning their wedding there for this weekend will be very disappointed.

The majestic windswept beaches along the Pacifc Rim National Park (not far from Tofino) are very popular spots for tourists in the form of hikers, beachcombers, surfers, and kayakers. And increasingly over the years, these beaches and beach resorts have become popular as locations for desination weddings. I think the beautiful, isolated area is perfect for such an occasion. My brother Dave and his gilrfriend Shawna were at a gorgous wedding at Long Beach Lodge not two weeks ago and guests flew in from all over North America. (They actually stayed at Dan's and my favourite spot the Pacific Sands Resort... interestingly, they shared a suite with up-and coming-Canadian singer Jeremy Fisher and his girlfriend, but I digress).

There has been no rain in weeks -- ironic since Tofino is smack-dab in the middle of a rainforest -- and the town's water resources have dropped to dangerously low levels. It looks like the town is planning to take dramatic action and completely restrict water consumption for residential use only -- and even then only sparingly. As businesses shut their doors, it is suspected that this is going to leave literally thousands of tourists with nowhere to stay and going to cost probably millions of dollars in lost revenue.

But what about the would be brides and grooms? What about the weddings?

There is no question there will be some terribly disapointed people out there who had their hearts set on the perfect Westcoast Wedding at Long Beach. No doubt there will have to be last minute scrambling around to make other arrangements and that can be a collosal pain in the bum. But you know what? NO wedding takes place without its calamities (to one degree or another -- another time I shall blog the miriad of catasrophes that lurked around our wedding) and a bride and groom can try to make the best of a situation and focus on the fact that it is not just the wedding that is important. Rather, the joining of their lives is paramount and no matter what, no matter where, no matter how, THAT is worth celebrating! Water, or no water.

Our hearts go out to people whose weddings plans in Tofino had to be changed, cancelled or postponed. What a total drag. Try looking on the bright side in remembering the wonderful partner you have chosen to share you life with is at your side and thinking about the incredible story you will have to tell your grandchildren about your wedding.

It's a funny thing to think about, water. A water shortage in this part of the world is such a strange occurence. After all, it rains eight months of the year (ok not exactly, but kind of!). But for some reason thinking about water shortages gets me thinking about things lacking in relationships. Metaphorically speaking, we can think of relationships as being like gardens. In order for gardens to grow and flourish and be productive they need water. Of course, they need other types of nourishment too, but regular water is essential. Without it the plants will die.

Happy relationships are exactly the same. In order to grow and flourish and be productive they need "water". What is the "water" in your relationship? It is letting your partner know they are appreciated? Is it telling them you love them? Is it setting aside some quiet time together every day? Is it a Date Night every week? What is nourishing your relationship? To maintain your fantastic relationship, don't allow yourselves to be caught up in a "water" shortage.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:18 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

A new kind of intimacy?

Do you bring your laptop to bed? Does your partner?

You are not alone, it seems, and this phenomenon of bring computers, blackberries and other gadgets into the bedroom is not entirely due to the fact that as a society we may be addicted to being connected. According to a recent New York Times article, it may be a new form of intimacy. A couple may feel like spending time in bed together, though working separately on different tasks on different laptops, is a way of staying close with each other and spending some time together. The alternative, I suppose is that they would work on whatever it is that is preoccupying them in another, possibly separate, room in the house.

The article goes on to say that, for some couples, perhaps only one partner will have work (or a fun activity like blogging!) that needs to be done and will join their other half in bed as they read or fall asleep. This, some see as a way to maintain a connection with their spouse even if they are not actually talking to each other and doing different activities. It might be likened to the way people spend time together, not talking, watching TV or movies. After all, is it really any different? Some say absolutely, "Yes! It is!"

For many people on the other side of this issue, the bedroom is sacred and the bed even more so. It is a place of comfort and rest and not a place for work. The very idea of having a laptop in bed -especially one where someone is working or chatting with other people when the other is trying to snooze- is totally counter intuitive to that ideal. Not to mention the fact that a constant tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard may drive some people nuts! If you both love it, then great. But if one of you is less than thrilled with such a night-time ritual, then you need to deal with it.

The key to this issue, as with just about every other potential conflict in a marriage, is to talk about it or communicate in some way to get your needs met (and your partner's, too). Find a way to compromise if you have differing opinions about laptops in the bedroom. Set out some ground rules if necessary.

Check out the article in The NY Times. It provides some interesting perspectives on the topic.

A final hint on the subject: if you ARE the type of couple that likes to bring the laptops into the boudoir, consider taking a moment out of your work to send a romantic instant message or two to the person beside you. It will make them feel special and I'll bet you anything you will get a loving (maybe even passionate) message back!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 2:40 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Hello, Saskatchewan

Competition isn't normally a good thing when it comes to marriage, but we just thought we would mention that today's StarPhoenix article has propelled this blog to its second highest number of visitors ever (193). Of course, the Telegram triggered a 211 visit day. Wouldn't want to set up any unhealthy competitive urges. Just sayin', is all.

We are feeling a little guilty for not posting something brand new for you today, but we would like to thank you for your native son, Brent Butt. Dan also wants to say a special hello to Eastend, where he had a really great vacation once. I kid you not, he still talks about it six years later. He apparently has this thing for Greek food, T Rexes, crashed homebuilt airplanes, and German prisoners-of-war. All in a town of fewer than 600 souls.

Back to more serious blogging tomorrow, we promise.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:56 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

St. John's Telegram Reader?

Hello to our friends from The Rock! (and Labrador, too!)

We are so delighted to learn that the article that ran in the Vancouver Sun last week has been re-run in the Business section of The Telegram in St. John's, Newfoundland! (It gave me the terrific excuse to call our family friend Lucy in Seal Cove and ask her to save the clipping.)

If you are just reading us for the first time, this blog contains thoughts, ideas, hints and discussions (and occasionally rants and ramblings...) about how to make great relationships even better. It is a companion to our website, couplesquestions.com, which is an on-line workbook for couples who are getting married (or just getting serious) and provides an alternative to pre-marriage counselling or a premarriage course. Our goal is to spread the word about making sure couples who are getting married (and getting rather wrapped up in the exciting hoopla of the wedding) don't forget to pay some attention and devote some energy to the marriage. Fingers crossed, the site will FINALLY be launched this week.

Dan and I are community minded folks who have the lofty belief (what the heck, eh?) that happier couples make happier families, and happier families become part of happier communities, happier communities form happier societies and therefore....

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 5:54 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Where to leave a love letter

On your screen saver!

OK, it can't be a long love letter. More of a sentiment. And it needs to be something that you don't mind sharing with anyone who sees your computer. Something like, "Zelda, you are gorgeous in gum boots."

In our version of Windows, you go Start > Settings > Control Panel > Display > Screen Saver, then choose 'marquee display' and type in your message.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:26 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Sleep and getting ready for your wedding

We've written about the importance of sleep and about taking time for yourself in the run up to your wedding.

Now there is another reason to do both. According to a study reported in the latest Prevention Magazine, those who sleep more, eat less. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. If you are tired from a lack of sleep, you are more likely to try to bump up your energy levels with some sugary, carboliscious, fat-laden food. Mmm... time for breakfast...

(Sadly, the Prevention link doesn't go directly to the article, which is in the latest paper edition.)

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:04 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Communication: Don’t just stand there, say something.

'Communication’ is one of those words like “holistic” and “empowerment” that has taken on a somewhat dubious modern connotation. The mere mention of the word can, at best, make average folks roll their eyes and at worst make their tongues seize up in a state of panic. It no longer means the simple transfer of information from one person to another, now for some -especially those in relationships- there is a whole world of emotion, frustration and trepidation packed into a 5 syllable word.

For recently engaged or newly married couples (heck, all couples really!) it can be particularly daunting. All they hear is, “Communication is the key to good relationship”, or, “That couple broke up because of a failure to communicate”, or, “They are working on improving their communication”. But what does it mean? How is it done?

There needs to be talking, sure, and not really surprisingly there needs to be listening (check out our post on Active Listening). And there also needs to be a way of finding a middle ground if one partner isn’t a big talker. They may need time or space before discussing an issue. Alternatively, together you might explore different ways of getting messages across (letters, e-mail, on the phone…whatever works). If your partner clams up when you want to talk about a difficult subject, that may be an indication that you need to try another mode of exchange from time to time. For other great ideas on communication and improving your meaningful interaction with your spouse, our friends at marriageabout.com have lots of info.

It is interesting though that somehow we have come to believe that ‘communication’ is only necessary or achieved in times of trouble. We at CouplesQuestions believe that for a truly happy union, couples need to communicate the good stuff at least as much as we delve into the serious nature of communication with the difficult stuff. Don’t assume (You know what you do when you assume, don’t you?) your partner knows how great you think they are. Tell them (write them, whatever!). Don’t assume your partner knows how much you appreciate there work around the house. Let them know. And on the other side of that, remember that old adage that actions speak louder than words? Pay attention to what your partner does for you and what they are “saying” to you with their actions. Try not to take the niceties for granted too much.

Communication in relationships needs to overcome the bad rap of being only for the heavy stuff. Of course that is important, but it doesn’t have to be the "be all and end all". Find a way to make sure your partner knows, feels and sees how much you cherish them.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 2:24 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Religion and premarital education

Not religious? Don't worry we don't want to convert you!

But religion is an important factor in how likely you are to divorce. Religious people are about 15% less likely to divorce, in part because they are less likely to support divorce, in part because they can turn to their faith for support, and in part because they are more likely to do marriage education before getting married.

Importantly, churches often are the strongest supporters of pre marriage courses. That is a good thing, but at least one study we found has shown that people who aren't religious often avoid premarriage counselling because they identify the courses with the church.

Couples who are joinging their lives need to know that there are plenty of options for premarriage training that are not religious. CouplesQuestions will be one of them (in about a week!) and any professional marriage and family counsellor would also count.

When two people are getting married they are bringing together their hopes, possessions and families. They also must fully discover what their partner thinks and feels about important issues which can not only take time and effort, but which might lead to conflict with ones own beliefs. Pre-marriage education, whether religous or something like our site, can give a couple the tools to get the wonderful long term relationship they deserve by helping them to understand each other better and by stopping arguments before they start.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:12 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Active Listening

Active listening is a skill taught by marriage and family therapists to new couples, but reseach shows that most couples don't use it. What gives?

In active listening, one person talks about how they feel about some issue that the couple is having problems with. Their partner listens. Hard. Then they paraphrase what their spouse said, without adding any detail or interpretation. It is surprisingly unnatural and not at all surprising that people don't keep using it. Try it for yourself and you'll see. (For a little more detail you can follow this link.)

Even if most couples don't use active listening, I'd say that the skill is still worthwhile learning. Many of our patterns are set early in a relationship and it is worth learning how difficult it is to really listen.

And once you have learned this awkward skill, you have if you need it. It is a bit like CPR or mouth-to-mouth: hopefully you never need them, but learning them gives you a better idea about what's important.

As with everything about premarriage education, active listening is really about making sure that your assumptions line up with reality.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:56 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Technical difficulties, part two

Well, our sidebar and posts are now showing. And the editor is working, except that it opens in the "edit HTML" page instead of the "compose" page...

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:59 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Technical difficulties

Very odd... half of the homepage of the blog refuses to show, even though the code is still there.

All of our older posts still exist... you just can't see a way to get to them as this page is currently displaying. The dashboard (the editor that Blogger provides for posting is also missing most of the buttons in the tool bar).

We hope to figure it out soon... but it probably will involve having Blogger figure it out for us.

Anyone have any ideas?

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:53 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

A life goal

It's important to have goals in life. Here's one of ours:


We want to be one of those wonderful elderly couples you see, walking along together, still delighting in each other's company after 50 years together. We also want to be one of those couples that you see at weddings. You know the ones: old and stiff and slow, until they get out on the dance floor and they waltz beautifully because they have been dancing together for so long.

Of course, just now our ballroom dancing is more like hand to hand combat. But one day, only one of us will lead and then we'll be on our way!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:40 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Vancouver Sun Reader?

Welcome!

If you are a no-nonsense, dollars and cents kind of person who regularly reads Fiona Anderson's column, you might want to have a look at this blog entry on engagement rings, or this one on money styles, or this one on the Equality in Marriage Institute.

If you are a more romantic type, there's plenty here for you including this post on Winnie the Pooh. But we have a question for you, too:

What is your favourite romantic place and why?

You can e-mail me or leave a comment below. Also, put your e-mail in into the Feedblitz sign-up over on the right to get regular updates from us.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 11:21 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Where can you meet that special someone?

For those on the single scene hoping to meet Mr or Ms Right, this may not be that helpful, but the answer is you can meet that special someone ANYWHERE. It is often said that you will meet the person of your dreams when you least expect to, sometimes when you aren’t even looking. In my case, this was absolutely true.

We are somewhat ashamed to say that Dan and I met in a bar…yikes, that sounds cheesy, but it truly wasn’t as bad as all that. It was an Irish pub called Morrissey’s in downtown Vancouver and we were there for an interesting event – one worth copying, I think – a friend of mine organized. (OK, I helped a little, but it was really her idea.)

My friend and colleague, Leanne (30 something and FABULOUS!), was fed up with the supposed lack of eligible, interesting men in her life and wanted to take action. She figured that there must be great guys out there somewhere and she came up with the idea the get all of her friends (and all of my friends, too) to round up all their single buddies and acquaintances (male and female) to get together for an evening of socializing. The idea was that our friends would only send along people they had already “cleared” as people who are cool, interesting, funny …whatever. No nut jobs were invited.

An e-mail was sent round telling people to rally their single chums and get them to meet at Morrissey’s on a particular night at a particular time. Initially, I had agreed to participate and diligently distributed the message, but on the night in question, I really didn’t want to go. I was tired that night and I was at a place in my life where I was very happy to be a swinging single. The only reason I ended up taking part was that I agreed to be the designated driver.

Leanne and I walked into the pub and there was Dan. Tall, gorgeous, friendly, smiling Dan. “Hmmm”, I thought to myself, “This won’t be so bad after all.”

Actually, the evening was a modest success (for me it was a HUGE success!). There were about seven guys and three girls who showed up (the next gathering there were something like nine girls and four guys…it took a while to find the balance). I sat next to Dan that first night and found him much more interesting and FUNNIER than any of the other gentlemen at the table. After the next singles get together two weeks later, we decided to go out on a date to a comedy club (that was where we first saw Brent Butt creator and star of Corner Gas). We had a ball. The rest, as the say is history.

How did you meet your fiancé or spouse? We’d love to hear the story!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:58 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

A Case for Premarital Education

We at CouplesQuestions are all about getting, having, and making great relationships with our partners.

One way to make a great relationship even better is for a couple, whether getting married or just getting serious, to invest some time and energy into pre-marriage education or counselling. The idea is to develop a deeper understanding of each other by having important discussions early in your time together so that you can avoid pitfalls which can cause arguments and conflict in the future. This might be done through a religious organization, through a Marriage and Family Therapist, or through a site like ours (CouplesQuestions.com -launching very soon!!...seriously, we mean it!). Where it takes place doesn't really matter. THAT it takes places does!

If you really need a case for pre-marriage couselling , all you have to do is look at the statistics. A USA Today article (June 22, 2006) reports findings from the Journal of Family Psychology that couples who participate in some type of premarital education are 31% less likely to get divorced. That math sounds pretty good to me! The article indicates that premarital ed. is successful because it aims to lower the risk of divorce by "identifying problem areas before the wedding" and cites the fact that "experts suggest couples start such programs six months to a year" before their Big Day. Can't say we are really surprised by this. After all, that is what we are all about.

If you are planning a wedding, take some of your time and some of your fabulous creative energy to work on planning your marriage. You will be glad you did!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:17 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Having a baby to save your relationship

It is a Bad Idea, but people keep trying it!

We're talking about having a baby as a way to bring a couple closer together when they are having problems. As I type at 4:40 am, it is blindingly obvious to me what a dumb idea that is.

Heather and I have a great relationship, I am happy to say. And we have two great kids. But raising kids is difficult. For all that is wonderful about children, raising them is tiring, stressful, and often frustrating. It tests not just your patience, but your relationship. And it keeps on testing it for two decades or so.

And because children take up so much time, you need to make a special effort to look after your own relationship. It is all too easy to neglect your spouse. That's not a good idea, even if it is in a good cause.

If you are having problems in your relationship, sort them out before you have children. You'll be thankful you did and so will the little ones.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 4:43 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Engagement Stories

People love engagement stories. We must. The media is always telling us how celebrities in Hollywood proposed to their spouses. In fact, just last night there was a piece on one of the entertainment programs about the creative and interesting ways several famous people got engaged (sadly Max, our 6 week old, was crying and I heard none of it).

Normally we aren’t that riveted to entertainment news (Ok, I am; Dan is definitely NOT) but our curiosity was piqued because today is the anniversary of our engagement and, like so many others, no doubt, I feel it is a story worth telling.

We had not known each other that long and had only been dating for about a month, but we both knew that we had stumbled into something pretty special when we found each other. In fact, I think that we’d told each other we were “the one” after our fourth date. Anyway, we were on a weekend visit to my parents’ home (they live near Victoria and we were living in Vancouver at the time) when the “proposal” took place.

This is how I remember it. My folks have a lovely waterfront home and as it was a gorgeous summer day, Dan and I decided to take our pre-dinner glass of wine down to the beach. We were sitting on a big rock, watching the birds and the gentle waves. As I recall we weren’t saying too much of anything, just enjoying a very comfortable, companionable mid-summer moment. Then Dan says, “You know, I really like you (code for he loves me!) and I want to marry you.”

I was rather surprised as we’d only been dating for a short while (though, I was not at all freaked out) and I was a little confused. Was that what I thought it was? Was that a proposal? I had to answer carefully. “Uuuuuh….uhhhhh….I could get on board with that”, was my, admittedly rather odd, reply (I didn’t want to look too eager in case I had misread the statement!). This was followed by silence. It seemed to last quite a good long while, but in reality it was probably only a few seconds after which Dan asked, “Was that a ‘yes’?” and I famously replied, “Was that a question?”

I don’t exactly remember what was said after that. No doubt Dan said something like, “Oh man, I can’t believe that I goofed that up!” and I of course must have said “yes”, but I really don’t recall. What I remember is more a series of feelings: surprise, happiness, joy, excitement, adoration…oh yeah, and here’s a bit of a shock: I cried! There was no ring, and I was totally OK with that. Let’s face it, how could a person I had only known a short while know what I might like in an engagement ring. We picked it out together later that week.

After I collected myself, we left the beach and went up the stairs to my parent’s house. The difficult thing was the fact that my mother was at work and I didn’t want to tell my dad without my mom there, so the two of us had to sit through dinner with dopey looks on our faces and not say anything about what we had just promised each other. We made some excuse about going camping near my parents’ house the following weekend and came back and told them then. They were thrilled and, interestingly, not at all surprised or worried despite the short time we had known each other. (We later learned that THEY got engaged after two dates)

Meanwhile, Dan’s parents were at a family reunion all the way across the country and had already been telling extended family members the good news that Dan was engaged. This was before he had even asked me! I guess he had told them what he was going to do and they could tell by his tone and excitement that he was reasonably sure what my response was going to be.

Feel like sharing your engagement story with us? We’d love to hear it.

For more heart warming engagement stories there are zillions on confetti.co.uk. Check it out for the entertainment value or if you need ideas on how to propose.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

PS We at CouplesQuestions.com don't necessarily advocate getting engaged as quickly as we did, but it worked for us. Furthermore we were engaged for over a year and completed pre-marriage counseling before we tied the knot. Always a good idea.

posted by Heather and Dan @ 3:31 PM 5 Comments Links to this post

How to write a love letter

So, maybe you are harder on your lover than on your co-workers. And if you want to start making a change, this'll help...

There is a great article on how to write a love letter on getromantic.com. It is step by step and you'll be able to do it even if you are pressed for time or can't write worth a damn. And if you are really stuck, they'll sell you notes. (Shame about the irritating animated advertising on the site. Remember, if you click on the irritating ads, you encourage their continued existence!)

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:54 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Why is it that we sometimes treat strangers better than our partners?

I have been thinking about this issue lately as I have been helping a friend, sadly, deal with the post mortem of her recently ended relationship.

For her, the end came suddenly in a shocking and tremendously upsetting way - it was his decision, not hers. In the aftermath, she began the analysis of what went wrong (and how she might fix things, though I am not too sure that is going to happen). She recounted to me a number of "hot button" issues that had become of a problem for each of them. One of these issues (unfortunately there were many, apparently) was that each felt the other gave the best of themselves to their friends and family and saved the dregs for each other. Why do we do this?

According to an article in the latest issue of O Magazine, this is a relatively common complaint: people are often kinder and more considerate to their coworkers and people they meet in supermarket lineups than they are to their loved ones. In the case of my friend, her ex said that what he gave his friends and family was a show and that she got the "real" him. I believe he intended this to imply the deeper level of intimacy he felt with her that he could be "himself". She didn’t see it this way. She felt as though he was giving all the good stuff away and bringing her down because it seemed like he had stopped trying to please her. She, however, admitted that she was guilty of similar behavior.

I guess there is a common feeling out there that once you are in an established relationship, you can relax. For many, I suppose, this is one of the perks of the long term relationship and may explain why so many of us do things like gain weight and give up rigid exercise regimes. Does the comfort of being in a solid relationship make us want to be lazy? Does it make us so lazy that we forgo being considerate toward the person we supposedly love the most? We humans are weird. Shouldn’t we all be giving our very best to the ones we love?

In his O article, therapist Terrence Real says he believes "the quality we bring to our relationships with friends and coworkers but leave on the front steps at home is thoughtfulness". He doesn’t just mean not forgetting birthdays, he is talking about giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they are having a had time and reigning in our anger and annoyance. Real says we need to let go of the idea that we shouldn’t have to be so calculating with our partners. Rather, he says, we need to be "more conscious, more on our toes because no one pushes our hot buttons better or more often".

Though we don’t believe that your relationship should require a huge amount of effort (let's face, it if it is too hard over a long period of time them why would you put yourselves through that?), we do believe that Real makes a good point. Consistent effort at things like consideration and thoughtfulness toward our partners will go a long way in maintaining a happy relationship.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:43 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

Equality in marriage

The Equality in Marriage Institute in New York has a free downloadable .pdf, called 'The Commitment Conversation' that you might find useful.

To be honest, the institute is fond of things that Dan and I would just never do: a pre- or postnuptual agreement and regularly scheduled discussions of equality, for example. But if you are both the sort who like process (and there's nothing wrong with it -- you folks are about 25% of the population), then this approach could work very well for you.

The institute is closing and it is not clear whether the website is continuing. So you might want to nip over there and download the guide. The introductions to the different stages of marriage are also well worth reading on the site.

(via Smartmarriages)

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:52 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

More comfortable with e-mail?

More comfortable with e-mail than with surfing blogs?

Dan has added a Feedblitz signup to the left sidebar. If you put your e-mail address in there, you'll get an e-mail each day that the site is updated. You'll only get one e-mail a day from Feedblitz, even if we have a bunch of new posts that day. So you don't miss anything, but you don't get swamped either. Dan's been using it for a while now and really likes the service. Thanks to the Bargain Queen for turning him on to it.

When you click on the 'Subscribe me' button you'll be taken to the Feedblitz registration. You can get updates from any blog that has registered with Feedblitz, all in just one e-mail a day. For example, Dan gets an e-mail with the postings from As the garden grows, the Bargain Queen, and Couples Questions. Feedblitz is free, which makes the Bargain Queen happy.

If it sounds like we are raving about it and you are wondering whether we are paid to... we aren't. We just like it and we like the idea that you'll be reminded to visit us.

For now, we are including the whole article, but we'll probably change to shorter versions so you don't get e-mails that are too long.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:29 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Blogs we like

Clean, quirky, fun.


McMinnville -- in the heart of Oregon's yam country

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:21 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

To marry or not to marry: question from a reader

We would love to give a simple "yes" or "no" to this question.

The question is simple enough, but it doesn't have an easy answer. Even though A's message is a relatively long and clear e-mail, it is still only scratching the surface of what she could get into in a face-to-face conversation. And even if we had every fact, A's decision would still be difficult.

So A, this is our take:

The CouplesQuestions' bias is pretty strong: we are shooting for the stars here. We want you to marry sensibly (sounds like you are doing that) and marry for over-the-top love (sounds like you might not be doing that). Fiery passion is not a priority for everyone who is getting married, but it sounds like it is for you. (It is for us, in our marriage.) Your marriage needs to meet your needs. Our post on "The One" might help.

Another thing to consider is the stages of marriage. Four years into your relationship, you are probably through the enchantment phase and you are probably through the disenchantment phase as well. And it doesn't sound like you have the relationship you always wanted, sad to say. So we think you need to take your worries seriously.

Getting married, in and of itself, will not fix the problems. If you are going to go ahead with the wedding, we strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor first. A, we think you should talk to someone on your own and then decide whether both of you should see a counselor together. (We are saying "counselor", but it could be a coach or member of the clergy or some other professional. If you go to a trusted friend or relative, you might be putting them in a difficult situation.) The goal would be to find ways that you can improve any areas that are lacking.

Remember that you can also postpone the wedding, even though it has been set for years and is coming up fast. People won't be happy, but most of them will get over it. Many bills will need to be paid, but it is still cheaper than a divorce.

As for the age difference... it is only a problem if it is a problem for you. If you were 16 and he was twice your age, we would be worried. At 26, we aren't so worried.

A, we wish we could give you the answer. If you talk to a life coach, they will likely tell you that you already know the answer and just need to trust yourself to make the decision. You are wise enough to be putting serious thought into the question; you are probably wise enough to make the right call.

We hope we helped a little.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:32 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wedding Readings from Winnie the Pooh?

Why not? Whether you are having a civil or a religious ceremony, choose readings that work for you as a couple.

The following reading from "Now We Are Six" (not "The House at Pooh Corner", as we'd originally written in this blog) was read at our wedding by our dear friend Rosalind and it suited us rather well.

Us Two

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going to-day?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh,
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself says Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me
We crossed the river and found a few -
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!" - and off they flew.
"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two
Can stick together," says Pooh, says he.
"That's how it is," says Pooh.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Labels: recommended, weddings

posted by Heather and Dan @ 2:29 PM 4 Comments Links to this post

Question from a reader

We got a an e-mail from a reader (let's call her A.) with a question yesterday and have been putting a great deal of thought into it.

Here it is, with some changes to protect her identity a bit more:

I had a question about couples with an age
difference...among other things : )

I am 26 and my fiance is 42 (never married, no kids),
we got engaged in 2003, I set the date a year later
and we are getting married this September.  I can't
say I have been excited about getting married, when I
got engaged I was freaked out!  I do love him, we are
so compatible, he is fun, thoughtful, trustworthy,
etc -- everything I have looked for in a guy.  But
lately I have been really worrying and am full of
anxiety and doubt.  We shouldn't have moved in together
so soon (we did this in 2003)--I don't think we were
ready for the pressures it brought.  I don't think we
handled them in the best way.  I am afraid of growing,
because I know I still have a lot of that to do, and am
worried about what that will do to our relationship.
I am also afraid that I never felt that it was the
right time for me to get married--I always wanted the
perfect career before the guy.  I don't want to let
him go because he is such a great guy and is willing
to work on things.  I sometimes feel that he loves me
more than I love him, but I have been in a very
unhealthy/abusive relationship before in which I
"loved hard" and didn't get much in return except for
heartache and that lasted seven years--I never wanted
to put myself into a situation like that again.  It
upsets me that we are entering into marriage in a
different stage of life, not the passionate type, but
the best friend, we made it four years type.  Am I
worrying for nothing?  Or am I dealing with some
serious problems here? 

Any readers brave enough to comment? We will reveal our thoughts tomorrow.

Disclaimer: Sorry, but it has to be said. This is a blog, not a psychiatrist/counselor/therapist office. The opinions expressed here are not professional advice, no matter how considered, thoughtful, and educated they are. Same goes for comments left by readers, who are assumed to be laypersons not paid professionals. For the full details, follow this link to Herche's Blog Disclaimer. His terms are our terms.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:47 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

I Promise to Love You in Sickness and in Health...Seriously, I do!

I'm lucky enough that I didn't really need reminding, but lately I have been accutely aware of how much Dan loves me...He must, for all he has had to deal with in the last few weeks.

After complications relating to my recent C-section, there was a short stay back in hospital, followed by a course of nasty antitbiotics and then there was the "delightful" open sore to deal with...all while chasing a lively toddler (who insists her daddy play with her for hours on end with her doll-house...Ohhh the tyranny of the dollhouse!) and coping with a newborn. Dan has been incredible! Though he is tired, of course, he has been a great support to me and has reassured me every chance he gets that, not only are things are going to be fine, but he thinks I am beautiful (he MUST be sneaking cocktails in somehow!). He even managages to find time to Blog! (check out his Fairfield Gardener Blog!)

I know that he has helped me before when I was sick (there was the great Norwalk outbreak last fall and the mysterious yet formidable tummy bug earlier in the year) and of course I have come to his aid when he has been under the weather. But I have never been this much in need before and I have never felt so yucky before (truly this wound is GROSS!!). It is always there in the way he shows his affection for me on a daily basis (I'm so lucky!), but being sick has really shown me how much Dan cares. If I ever did take that for granted, I am reminded so profoundly just now not to do it very often.

I came across a beautifully written story in The Honalulu Advertiser by Mark Leidemann about an incident that happened when his wife was sick. In it he says that saying "I love you" is the mantra for married life. I quite like that. It is always good to hear those words. And, when those words are backed up with actions that truly show the depth of that feeling, then we really have something.

Make sure your partner KNOWS you love them by what you say to them and by what you do to SHOW them how deeply you feel. After you read Leidemann's story, you won't want to take anything about your partner for granted.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:41 PM 0 Comments Links to this post