CouplesQuestions Premarital Blog: July 2006

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Readings for the Wedding Ceremony: Here are some great links

Still trying to find the perfect reading or poem for your special day? We have posted a few ideas here, here and here, but you might also check out these links:

Oh Tell Me the Truth About Love
by WH Auden

Marriage Joins Two People in the Circle of Love
Edmund O'Neil

The Apache Blessing
Author unknown...but there are two nice versions of this at the above link

Or how about some song lyrics? These were suggested by friends:

Dance me to the end of Love
By Leonard cohen

Wondering Where the Lions Are
By Bruce Cockburn

The Power of Two
By The Indigo Girls

And finally here is a little sweet poem that might appeal to you.

These I Can Promise
Author Unknown

I cannot promise you a life of sunshine;
I cannot promise riches, wealth, or gold;
I cannot promise you an easy pathway
That leads away from change or growing old.

But I can promise all my heart's devotion;
A smile to chase away your tears of sorrow;
A love that's ever true and ever growing;
A hand to hold in yours through each tomorrow.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Readings for the Wedding Ceremony: Two More Ideas

Here is another suggestion for what might be read at your wedding. This one, like The Key to Love was read at my friend Rachel's wedding in the UK.

On Your Wedding Day

Author Unknown

Today is a day you will always remember
The greatest in anyone's life
You'll start off the day just two people in love
And end it as Husband and Wife

It's a brand new beginning the start of a journey
With moments to cherish and treasure
And although there'll be times when you both disagree
These will surely be outweighed by pleasure

You'll have heard many words of advice in the past
When the secrets of marriage were spoken
But you know that the answers lie hidden inside
Where the bond of true love lies unbroken

So live happy forever as lovers and friends
It's the dawn of a new life for you
As you stand there together with love in your eyes
From the moment you whisper 'I do'

And with luck, all your hopes, and your dreams can be real
May success find it's way to your hearts
Tomorrow can bring you the greatest of joys
But today is the day it all starts.

Here is another reading we thought was rather cute:

A Good Wedding Cake
Author Unknown

4lb of love.
1lb butter of youth.
½lb of good looks.
1lb sweet temper.
1lb of blindness of faults.
1lb of self forgetfulness.
1lb of pounded wit.
1lb of good humour.
2 tablespoons of sweet argument.
1 pint of rippling laughter.
1 wine glass of common sense.
1oz modesty.

Put the love, good looks and sweet temper into a well furnished house. Beat the butter of youth to a cream, and mix well together with the blindness of faults. Stir the pounded wit and good humour into the sweet argument, then add the rippling laughter and common sense. Work the whole together until everything is well mixed, and bake gently for ever.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Readings for the Wedding Ceremony: The Key to Love

Our blog is mostly about relationships and about making your marriage (or your partnership) fabulous. We often talk about all that goes beyond the Wedding Day, but we actually love weddings! They can be romantic and sentimental, they may be steeped in tradition and ritual, or they might be wild and modern. It can be tricky to find just the right readings to fit the mood of the day and to fit the personality of the couple.

In a previous post, we talked about how we came up with the readings for our wedding, but we have recently been asked several times for more suggestions on interesting poetry or passages that might be included as part of a ceremony. Through canvasing our interesting and varied social circle we have come up with several ideas and we will post (and link) them in what most likely will be several blog entries.

The first is called "The Key to Love" and it came from my recently married friend Rachel in the UK. I haven't found out who the author is, but if anyone knows please let us know as we'd be delighted to give credit where credit is due.

The Key to Love

The key to love is understanding…
The ability to comprehend not only the spoken word
But those unspoken gestures,
The little things that say so much by themselves.

The key to love is forgiveness…
To accept each others faults and pardon mistakes
Without forgetting, but with remembering
What you learn from them.

The key to love is sharing…
Facing your good fortune as well as the bad, together.
Both conquering problems, forever searching for ways
To intensify your happiness

The key to love is giving…
Without thought of return,
But with the hope of just a simple smile
And by giving in but never giving up.

The key to love is respect…
Realising that you are two separate people, with different ideas.
That you don’t belong to each other,
You belong with each other, and share a mutual bond.

The key to love is inside us all…
It takes time and patience to unlock all the ingredients.
It is the continual learning process that demands a lot of work….
But the rewards are more than worth the effort…

And that is the key to love!

Happy Couples Happy Planet!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Am I ready for this?

Sad post alert!

Here is a really sad place to be, journaling in secret and dying inside. Don't let this happen to you. It has happened to far too many already.

Many of you would never allow yourselves to fall into Sahmy's state, but just as many of you would sacrifice your happiness for others'. And in the end, how happy are the people she sacrificed for? Unhappy husband, kids, self, probably parents and some friends as well. For years.

Sahmy deserves better and so do you. Listen to your inner voice if it is giving you warnings like she was getting.

Marry someone you are delighted with! Marry so that your kids will grow up wanting to have a relationship as great as yours!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Monday, July 24, 2006

One week to save your marriage

Well, you have to suspend disbelief a bit, but TLC's "One Week To Save Your Marriage" turned out to be surprisingly compelling. Educational, even.

The premise is that cameras are placed throughout a couple's home, so that a counselor can watch their interactions during the waking hours. She can then react to events as they arise.

This couple was painfully sad to watch, because they were so normal. It was terrible to see their little son caught in the crossfire. We were glad to have a happy result, though, and we hope that they continue with counseling long after the TV cameras are gone. We wish them all the best.

We strongly believe that couples need to head off problems while there is still goodwill and while memories of falling in love are fresh. It is so much harder to overcome the built up hurt and resentment once things have gone off the rails. The couple in tonight's show had lived a cold war for the last two years. Hats off to them for taking the big risk of counseling.

Especially on national TV!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Hip hop lyrics

We're not big hip hop fans, but we really like the sentiment in these lyrics from Kinnie Starr.

Just move like you're in a groove or a deep valley
Prove you're someone that the world needs madly
Heat the heart of everything near you
Be who you are, shine like you do

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Best City on Earth

We live in a place that we think is pretty magical and we used to live in a place -- Vancouver -- that was repeatedly ranked the best city in the world. As I write this, an eagle is being harrassed outside by seagulls and crows. Suffice to say, we still think we made the right decision leaving Vancouver.

If you remember, last week we talked about Dr. John Helliwell. Now, as it happens, he has something very interesting to say when asked what is the best place in the country to live: there are lots of them. And they all have one thing in common: how much people trust their neighbours.

His map of Vancouver makes the point very well... if you know Vancouver at all. It probably goes some way in explaining our decision to leave, as well. What is interesting about this map is that the happiest pockets are a real mixed bag: semi-rural Lyons Bay, very urban Commercial Street, some areas that probably don't even have names they are so suburban. The main thing that they have is that people can trust each other. (We lived in several, different "nice" areas that somehow were lacking.)

This really rings true to us. For example, we have close friends who moved to get work in Edmonton, a place that probably wouldn't be most people's first choice. (No offense, Edmonton, but you have to admit it is true.) But turns out that they love it. Why? Great neighbours and great neighbourhood.

Victoria also would not be first choice for many people, despite the orcas and eagles and a more-than-adequate selection of urban amenities. But we have great neighbours and a great neighbourhood.

This is not to say you can't be happy in a place where there is little community. But you are likely to be happier in a place where there is that sense of trust and togetherness.

And if you are not happy where you are? Think about a move or get involved in an activity that will win you friends and make your neighbourhood a better place. A marriage BTW is a time of new beginnings, so is probably a good time to think about such changes, too.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Weddings and Winnie the Pooh

Poetry for wedding ceremonies isn't directly related to marriage education. But it is fun.

We've been asked about ideas a couple of times recently, so here's another suggestion that is very different from our first post on the subject. In a word: children's books. er... that's two words. We are thinking here of classics like 'The Wind in the Willows', rather than Clifford the Big Red Dog. But, hey, it is your wedding, so it is up to you.

We had a friend do a reading from A.A. Milne's 'The House at Pooh Corner'. It was a lovely expression of something we wanted said at the wedding. Another quote from the book featured in our thank you speech to the guests and everyone who helped out. And there was hardly a dry eye in the house.

Readings or poetry from children's books may work well for you, too. They are usually good clean fun, are often smart and stylish, and can be really insightful. They very often express noble, important, and profound themes. A favorite book from your childhood can also hold a lot of personal meaning: happy memories, closeness to family, security, comfort, wonder, and a sense of possibilities.

If nothing else, rereading classic children's stories is fun and you can do it together.

We'd love to hear any suggestions you have, too.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Happiness: What is it and how do you get it

You know us. We are all about helping make the world a happier place one couple at a time. This weekend, we were listening to a radio call-in program on the CBC. The topic was something like “Happiness: What is it and how do you get it?” and I didn’t have to think very hard before I knew how I would answer this question in the moment.

For me, happiness is when both children are having naps, the sun is streaming in through our living room window and Dan and I can spend a few quiet moments together…Yay! Bliss!

Never mind that there are probably much more serious topics that could be handled by a hard hitting news channel these days, to me it seemed wonderfully relaxing – yes, even happiness inducing - to sit in contemplation on the subject. The conversation ranged from whether or not money could by happiness, to whether religion, or lack thereof, is a source of joy and contentment. As well, the conversation touched on whether rich people were happier than poor people and if happiness was a luxury for the developed world only. All very interesting viewpoints on the topic.

It made me wonder if there was any research out there about whether there is a happiness quotient for committed couples. Was the level of happiness and satisfaction different if a couple was married or if they were cohabitating? Are single people happier? Rich couples happier than those who don’t have as much money? The evidence I found was conflicting. Here is what I learned so you can decide for yourself:

o Money CAN by happiness (check it out)
o Money CAN’T buy happiness (go here to see more)
o People who are single and people who are married have equal potential for happiness (find out why)
o But, married people are actually happier (Is it true? It certainly feels true!)
o Furthermore, couples who live together before marriage are less likely to experience as much happiness as married couples (This is where they explain.)

It’s all interesting, but can be rather confusing depending on what you choose to believe.

But there is one area where many of the studies on marriage (or coupling) and happiness agree and that is that each partner will experience a greater level of happiness dependant on how happy their spouse (married or otherwise) is. If your spouse is happy, then you are more likely to be happy. Seems to make sense to me. I am fond of saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”. Of course, it’s true the other way around as well and either way it seems to hold true in our relationship.

So it seems we all have a vested interest in helping keep our loved ones happy. In order to do that, we all need to find ways of getting to know our partners more deeply. This knowledge should be based on actual truths about what makes the other person happy, not based on our assumptions about what we think makes them happy or worse about what is really something that provides happiness to us (not them). Really understanding your partner by having important discussions early on in your relationship will help enhance their happiness – and therefore yours - for a lifetime.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Monday, July 17, 2006

What's your marriage worth?

Dr. John Helliwell is a professor of economics at University of British Columbia, and formerly with Harvard and Oxford. No slouch, in other words.

Now the good doctor has been studying happiness and what leads to it. As part of his work, he has expressed the value of various factors as income equivalents. That is, he has been able to say how many dollars something is worth, based on how it contributes to your happiness.

Among his conclusions: married people everywhere in the world are happier than unmarried people. In fact, being married is equivalent to $100,000 in contributing to your happiness!

Holy Moly! A hundred thousand dollars!

Now, don't rush out and get married to the first person you see! Being separated or divorced are the equivalents of minus $70,000 and minus $50,000 each. If you are going to get married, do it once and do it right! The difference could be worth $170,000 of happiness (not to mention the actual costs of marriage, moving in, divorce and moving out).

We, of course, think you should protect your $170,000 investment with premarriage counselling or education. Or, if you don't want to visit a counsellor, you can try CouplesQuestions.com in about 3 weeks when it goes live (we are just in our penultimate round of user testing). If you want us to tell you when it does go live, just go to the site and leave your e-mail address.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Couplicity

We love the fact that people keep coming up with good ideas that would never have occurred to us.

Couplicity.com is the latest great-idea-that-never-would-have-occurred-to-us that we've found. It is an online service that lets couples link up with other couples who have similar interests.

In our atomized, car-based society, loneliness is a big problem for many. There's nothing wrong with most lonely people themselves. In most cases, they have either moved away from their family and friends or their friends have moved away from them. In North America (and Australia, too, we imagine), it is common to move to another city that is thousands of miles from your support network. Think about it... it is actually easier to move to a different continent than to strike up a new friendship. Little wonder clinical depression is soaring!

There are lots of similar services for singles already, so we're a little surprised no one thought of this before (Couplicity was just launched this year.) Membership is free for the first six months and -- no -- we don't get paid to tell you about it. ; )

As we say in our profile, it really is a big wide world. There are lots of good things out there.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

The Wisdom of Crowds

Turns out there is something to 25 being the ideal age for marriage after all.

It goes like this: the younger you are when you marry, the greater the chance of divorce. Marrying straight out of high school is risky. BUT... the effect levels off at age 25. It doesn't matter statistically if you are 25, 35, 45, or older yet when you marry.

The bottom line is that to make a marriage work, you need a certain level of maturity, experience and even worldliness.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Dammit!

Time.com has a great article by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman that scoops a lot of what we were planning to say over the next few weeks. Even worse, they say it better than we would have!

If you are thinking about getting married, though, go and read the article!

Not to worry, we still have plenty to say on these and other marriage-related topics.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Public Displays of Affection

Being the parents of two young children, we get a lot of touch in our lives. We hug them, cuddle them, wrestle with the older one and carry both around. We make a point of touching each other, as well.

Nobody wants to have to tell you that you should "get a room". But we think that the English-speaking world is a little too uptight about hugging, holding hands, and the like. It is something that is worth thinking about when you are doing your pre-marriage discussions: you are in love and touching each other a lot now, but are you going to keep it up years from now?

We think you should and so does no less an authority than National Geographic. For us, the most interesting part of this article is near the end:

Human skin and the sense of touch give people a way to physically and emotionally connect with one another. Scientists are just beginning to recognize the power of touch to promote healing, increase socialization, and boost immunity.

Studies have shown a correlation between high rates of affection in childhood and low rates of adult aggression. Babies who aren't handled enough can fail to thrive.

There's more, so go read the article.

Alternately, you might have a read of Matt Smith's Romantic Tips for Married Couples and scroll down to the May 24, 2006 entry.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Definitely NOT the ideal age to marry

Related to our last post, I came across this New York Times article about child brides in

Afghanistan

. Fascinating and sad.

Sunday, July 9, 2006

The Ideal Age For Marriage

A recent Gallop Poll (June 22, 2006) found that the ideal age for marriage has increased since 1946. Americans now believe that the ideal age to marry is 25 for women (up from 21) and the ideal age for men is 27.

These numbers are for a survey done in the United States and of course the opinions about the perfect age for getting hitched will vary somewhat from culture to culture. Even so, Dan and I were a wee bit surprised as the ages deemed best still seemed a bit young for us. Now, maybe we are just completely immature people, but for us, waiting until we were in our thirties before tying the knot worked well. Independently we had seen much of the world, achieved a measure of financial and employment stability, and we had spent time in relationships with other people. By the time we were in our mid-thirties we were well and truly ready for each other.

The truth is there is no "magic" number as to when an individual or a couple is ready to get married. But there are, of course, things you might consider. Here are just a few:

How are your finances? Both as a couple and as individuals, it is important to consider money issues in your relationship and how you will handle them before you get married.
Have you spent time living on your own, or at least out of your parents' house? Have you taken the time to get to know yourself as an adult?
Have you done the things you want to do as a non-married person? Traveled? Completed your education? Gotten to a certain level of security in your job?
Have you had the important pre-marriage discussions with your potential partner that you need to have? Kids? How many? How will you handle conflict and disagreements when they come up (and they will)? How will you divide household chores? What role will in-laws and extended family play in your marriage partnership?

For us, the ideal age for marriage was 34 and 36. For you, it may be ten years older or ten years younger. Just make sure you seriously consider and discuss some of the ideas above before you get married. It is easy to look at the idea of a wedding through rose-colored glasses, but it is really important to look at the marriage in a realistic way (after all you are planning a lifetime together) no matter how old you are.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Saturday, July 8, 2006

Do you live someplace magical?

We just got back from chasing a pod of killer whales along the shore. They swam right past the end of our street, but were gone by the time we got there. So we bundled the whole family into the car and set off in pursuit.

What's magical about the place you live? Is it quiet or do you love the bustling street life? Do you have a great view, whether of the open prairie or bright city lights? Are you close to family? Do you have a great neighbourhood? Is the architecture, the trees, the mountain air or the cultural scene that you love? It is small-town charming or the energy of the big city?

Or did you end up in some place that you just ended up in? Is it just like every other 'burb? Is it named after the nearest freeway exit? Is it a bedroom community instead of a community?

If you don't live in a place that has magic for you, shouldn't you?

We think this is a question worth thinking about when you are getting married as well. Not just, "Who's place are we going to move into", but "Where would we really love to live?" Or "Where would we like to try living?" Or "If one of us gets a great job offer in another city, are we both open to the idea of moving?" Even if you already live in a super spot, you should touch base and make sure the two of you are thinking along the same lines.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Friday, July 7, 2006

California Marriage Grants

The California Healthy Marriages Coalition is awarding grants to community-based organizations interested in building healthy marriages programs.

For more information, click here. Applications are due September 5, 2006.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Your Smile for the Day

Today a dear friend sent us a link that made us smile (impossible not to, really) and I thought I would post it here. It has nothing to do with relationships, or marriage education, improving your relationship with your spouse, but we figure anything that brings levity to our day is worth sharing.

It's just a guy spreading his own form of joy and silliness around the globe. We approve! Here is the link. Remember to turn the sound up a little (or put your headphones on if you are at work).

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

Engagement Ring Advice

OK, guys, we were a little hard on you in the last post. We promise to try and make amends by sharing this suggestion that has worked for quite a few couples we know.

Many women have planned out their wedding in detail since they were young girls. If you are about to propose... you might want to think twice about going out and buying a ring. She probably has a good idea of what the ring should look like. Unless you can read her mind (or she has given you a very clear hint), you probably aren't going to buy the "right" ring. Then she faces the choice of exchanging it, living with it, or simply not wearing it after the wedding.

Another way to go is to pop the question and then go out to buy an engagement ring together. You can make a day of it, as we did. We took the day off work and browsed several stores around town, had a fabulous oyster and vodka lunch, found a ring that neither of us would have expected, found another that would later be a Valentine's Day gift, and finished off with a celebratory glass of wine.

One guy we know decided to go this route and found out that his bride-to-be didn't even want an engagement ring. Instead they put the money into a trip together, which was a fabulous trip, judging from the photos!

This idea won't work for everybody, of course, but at least you have the option. By the way, we don't subscribe to the idea that you need to spend a certain amount on the engagement ring, no matter what DeBeers would have you believe.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Monday, July 3, 2006

Aftershaves and colognes

Hey guys, listen up! This is a bit off topic, but it has to be said.

Scents for men are fine things, we think. Well, not all of them. But the idea is fine.

But some of you haven't been told the rules. Fact is her nose is more sensitive than yours -- she has a better sense of smell. If you marinate in the scent, she is going to find it hard to take. Besides that, it is only someone that you are close to who should ever smell you. No one else wants to and they also don't want to have to tell you that you smell too strongly. Usually the only ones who will speak up are those who are allergic... but if you didn't put so much on, they wouldn't have to.

Bottom line is 'apply sparingly', no matter what the instructions say.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Sunday, July 2, 2006

The Wedding You Always Wanted

Here's a take on weddings that we think is worth reading, over at The Bargain Queen. Be sure to read the comments, too, as there is one from someone who does want the big wedding. We happen to fully agree with The Bargain Queen's reply. In a nutshell, if you want the big wedding and can afford it, then full steam ahead. But if you don't want the big day, or don't want what your relatives want out of the big day, or don't have the money... then don't feel that you have to.

We've heard from more than one bride that the wedding was the worst day of her life... don't let that happen to you. Make sure your day is for you, not for Great Aunt Persnickety. Make sure it is what works for you, not what works according to [pick your favorite wedding magazine and insert name here].

In fact there is a growing trend away from big glitzy weddings and there are even sites such as the Frugal Bride. So if you opt for something simple and inexpensive, you are not alone!

And of course... we think that you should invest the time and money in a premarital course or counselling, whether you are spending $100 on your wedding or $100,000.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Thanks!

Thanks for the comments and e-mails, everyone!

Having a baby is always a good reminder of the fact that we live in a community, and that people care for and look out for each other.

Enter your e-mail address here to get our free newsletter. We don't spam!

... is an online alternative to traditional premarriage courses or counselling. Great for anyone who is getting engaged, getting married, moving in together, or recently married.

... by clicking here to e-mail your thoughts, comments or suggestions. We want to hear from you! You can also comment at the end of any post.

If you want to get an e-mail when there is something new on the blog, please enter your e-mail address:

My blog is worth $2,822.70.
How much is your blog worth?

Credit for photographs will be in the comments section, unless the photograph is open source (in which case you can use it freely as well).

The CouplesQuestions logo is a registered trademark; please do not reproduce it without our express permission.