Baby number 2

He's here!
We take back what we said about less exciting. It was a grueling delivery followed by ceasarean section. But mother and babe are both fine. The little guy was 7 lbs, 6 ounces and he has the working title of 'Max'.

We'll get back to our regular blogging soon, promise.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 2:08 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

Off to the hospital...

For baby number two!

The run up to his arrival has been less exciting than with our first... but we guess that's normal. The excitement is kicking in now, though!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 5:44 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Are you and your partner getting enough sleep?

“Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.” Saint Thomas Aquinas

Lately, Dan and I have been reminded of how very important it is to rest our bodies, our brains and get enough sleep. Not “rocket surgery” I know, but we felt it worth noting in a quick blog. We are all so busy and wrapped up everything we “have to” do, sleep is often sacrificed. According to many reports and studies, we are a society of sleep deprived individuals and this, no doubt, has an effect on our relationships.

Think about it. When you are tired, or worse exhausted, everything becomes more difficult and if you and your spouse are having a tough week, for whatever reason, things can quickly escalate into trouble. Communication can become strained and feelings can be more easily hurt when we are run down. Why do that to yourself?

I don’t know about you, but after a good sleep everything is just easier –- even when there are problems to deal with. Do yourself and your partner a favor and try and catch up on your rest. You will both feel better; even if you already feel pretty good.

Sleep well.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:46 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Best Dating Advice Ever

We are tempted to say it is "Have fun!"

If you are looking for a serious relationship, though, having fun is only the second most important. It is probably the most difficult part, though. Dating should be fun... but it is normally stressful. (If you are feeling you are the only one who is stressing about dates, you can relax. You are not alone.)

If you are looking for a serious relationship, the stress factor goes up even further. That's bad enough, but worse it might lead you to break the most important rule: BE YOURSELF.

If your aim is to find Mr. or Mrs. Keeper (to borrow a phrase from one of our regular readers), then you might be tempted to come across as someone you are not. That can be a real mistake later, when the person you married finds out that you are not the package that they were expecting. Ouch!

Sadly, it happens a lot, even to people who weren't trying to mislead. Premarriage courses can be really helpful here, to get at any undiscovered differences that could lead to later conflict.

Just to be clear: we are not saying that you should show up to a first date in ratty old sweatpants. Of course you should put your best foot forward. The person you are going on the date with is special and deserves a little extra attention. But do be true to yourself.

You deserve to end up with someone who is compatible.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:21 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Humour and gender

I remember listening to a comedian a few years ago. If I could remember her name I'd give her credit... so if you know who it was, let us know!

She said that a woman will say to a friend, "You are my oldest and dearest friend and I love you like a sister." Meanwhile, a man will be telling his buddy, "What?!? You are still driving that piece of crap!" And it means the same thing!

It's true. Guys give each other a hard time when they are friends. It is a way of connecting and I generally am a big fan, being a smartalecky guy myself. I'm pretty sure the sub-text is "I give you the gears because I know you can take it. It is a sign of respect."

But I have had to learn the hard way that it usually doesn't make for intimacy and connection with most women, most of the time. Don't get me wrong -- there are thousands (OK, millions) of women out there who are smarter, wittier, funnier, and more cutting than me. Chances are, though, your wife or bride-to-be doesn't enjoy it that much when you poke fun at her. She probably would be happier if you told your buddy what a jerk he is and gave her a back rub instead. Even if she is a lot quicker than me.

So tease with caution.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:18 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Different strokes

We were marking Father's Day with with family, friends, and a barbecue today.

Two of our dear friends were there. We are always amazed by how different they are from us. Their marriage is very strong and they work well together... but they are SO different from each other. We've got a fine ol' marriage ourselves and we are great for each other... but we are really quite similar.

This is proof positive that there are different paths to happiness. You might find it by being quite different from your spouse. Or you might find that the two of you are very similar. You might find it from spending most of your time together or from spending quite a bit of time apart, for example.

The keys?

1. Find what works for the two of you.
2. Give each other what you need.
3. Be willing to compromise on the things that aren't critical to you, if they are important to your lover.
4. Make sure that you are both making the compromises, not just one of you.
5. Lastly, premarriage education can help you go into the marriage with eyes wide open, aware that there will be differences and armed with some more ways of dealing with them.
   
   Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:11 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Family of Origin issues II

Family is not destiny, but you already knew that.

Family of origin issues can be really quite important, but like everything... you have some control. For example, Heather's parents moved away from their hometown and their parents when they got married. They wanted to start their own traditions, free from family meddling. They fully expected we would do the same thing when we got married, but we didn't. We consciously decided we wanted to be near family, because we like them, because our own parent don't meddle, and because we wanted our children to grow up with their grandparents. Oh yeah, and because we wanted the childcare!

As long as you are aware that there are things like family of origin issues, you can choose to change them in your new family.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:03 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Family of Origin Issues – The Way You Do the Things You Do!

Have you noticed in your relationship that when you and your darling first fell in love, you seemed to have sooooo much in common? You liked the same things, you had the same expectations and you even seemed to say the same thing at the same time.

The enchantment phase of a relationship is always exciting, but we are convinced that there must be some “love chemical” that gets released in our brains that makes this phenomenon of seeming sameness more evident in the beginning of a relationship. Of course, as we settle in to the comfortable, more secure and stable stages of the relationship we learn that we are, indeed, quite different. We all have different personalities and interests to be sure, but this occurrence is at least in part due to the way we were raised.

Each family is distinct and the way each family operates is unique. When two people decide to get married, they are bringing with them not only their love, trust, respect and humour, but also the particular family values from the way each was raised. Some of these values may be considered large and significant like those related to religion or money. Others may seem to be inconsequential.

These issues may lead the individual to act entirely differently from their partner’s expectations or the partner may even perceive the actions as wrong. It is important to remember that our partner is neither your parent nor your sibling and may not always understand why we choose to do what we do or the way we do it.

• How were you disciplined as a child?
• How was love shown in your home when you were growing up?
• What kind of money managers were your parents?
• What did your family do during holidays or festivals?
• Were your parents divorced? Did you grow up in a single parent home?

These questions are all examining Family of Origin Issues. “Family of Origin Issues” is a term that is often used in counselling and psychological circles to express the effect our families had on us as individuals and how we interact in relationships today. The way we were raised, the way we were loved, the way we were disciplined, the way the family functioned, or didn’t, as a unit, and the way we participated in family life has all helped to shape us into who we are, for better or for worse. This will have a profound effect on our relationships.

It is important to note here that, even though we are clearly influenced by our Family of Origin, we are all responsible for our actions as adults. Our family and the way we were brought up should not be used as an excuse to continue negative, destructive or unhelpful patterns in adult life.

Talk with your partner about the effect your upbringing had on you in different areas. You may be surprised to learn why they do the things they do.

CouplesQuestions pays a great deal of attention to Family of Origin issues and will give you specific, guided questions for you and your partner to discuss. These questions will help you avoid future misunderstandings and arguments.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 5:44 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Talk it out before you tie the knot - what happens when someone gets sick?

Most marriage vows say that we promise to love each other in sickness and in health. But what does that really mean?

Of course, we love our partner and know we want to make them happy in as many ways as possible, but we have to be careful not make assumptions about what they need or want based on our needs or wants. This is true in so many circumstances, but we were reminded during these last few weeks when both Dan and I were both under the weather. It is important to know where your partner stands on various aspects of life, and how they handle sickness (and how they like to be treated when they are sick) is one of those key areas. Knowing your partner can help prevent conflict in the future.

Try not to assume what you like is the same as what your partner wants (though that is often what most of us do). It may not be. And when your partner is sick and feeling rotten, you may end up driving them crazy by doing exactly what they don’t want you to do (even though you are only trying to help). Trust me, I speak from experience!

Some people like to be attended to regularly when they are sick. They like to be brought tea and medicine and magazines; they want to be "looked after". People on the other extreme truly just want to be left alone when they are sick. And other people find themselves somewhere in between along that scale. We all want to help our partners through their sickness the best way we know how, but because of our own expectations, we might end up making things worse. When in doubt of what they want or need, ASK THEM... and respect the answer.

Imagine how irritating it would be to just want to be left alone when you're sick and your partner bugs you every five minutes trying to do something for you to "help you" feel better. On the other hand, imagine you are used to lots of attention when you are sick and your partner leaves you completely to your own devices until you are well again. Neither situation leaves is going to bring comfort to the ill person.

You might ask your partner:
What did your family do for you when you were sick as a child? Was it comforting or did it drive you crazy?
What do you like to do when you are sick now that you are an adult?
If you are sick, how do you want me to help you through it?
What are your thoughts on going to the doctor or the hospital?

Our web site CouplesQuestions.com is all about making sure that you and your partner have The Important Conversations (like sickness, for example) before you get married (or very soon after) in order to avoid trouble spots early on. Talking about how you are going to handle sickness in your relationship (even dealing with a serious illness should be discussed) should help to avoid tension and misunderstandings in the future.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:55 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

It will still be there

We were talking today with an old family friend and got a good reminder. She and her husband are in their seventies and recently had a fabulous trip to Italy. They had a great time, walking everywhere and exploring everything.

We would love to go to Italy as well, but the thought of travelling with two young children turns my stomach.

It's worth remembering that Italy's still going to be there in 20 years. Yes, we could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But we probably won't be. We are making the marriage the priority, instead of stressful family trips. We plan to still like each other in 20 years and suspect that Italy is going to be just perfect for reconnecting after the children have flown the nest. And Italy's just the beginning.

Having goals in common is a really important way of strengthening your marriage. Just don't let them cause you stress. If you can't pack them in to your 20s or 30s, it's OK. You've still got decades to look forward to together!

The photo, by the way, is from Stefano Caporali.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:52 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

Talk it Out Before You Tie the Knot …and Afterwards!

At couplesquestions.com we are all about planning your marriage - especially before you tie the knot, but also as you move through the years together. Our site offers a series of topics and questions that will lead to the important (essential, even) discussions that all couples should have in the early stages of their relationship. We believe that these discussions will deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your bond.

Once you are married, however, that doesn’t mean the talking stops. Quite the opposite, really. Having good communication is probably the most important thing in any relationship, let alone a marriage.

I suppose we all need to be reminded of this from time to time, but it became relevant to me today as I was talking with a friend who was frustrated with her husband. He asked her if it would be OK for him to go away for the weekend to a sporting event and she expressed frustration because he had already been away 3 out of the last 4 weekends (they have two young children and hadn’t spent any time as a couple in a while). Knowing this, he said, “Tell me not to go and I won’t go”. As she reported to me, she didn’t want to have to tell him not to go (she said to me she didn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’), she wanted him just to understand that she didn’t want him to go. Meaning she wanted him to come up with the idea not to go on his own.

Any comments on this exchange?

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:47 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Flowers: I don't get it...

But then, I don’t need to.

I’ve never understood the allure of flowers for most women. Sure they are pretty. But for most women I know, flowers have this mystical quality. They seem to think you slayed a dragon to get them. In truth, you just went a couple of minutes out of your way and plunked down ten bucks. If that. The hardest part was carrying them out of the store, trying to look like you don’t care who sees you.

Though I was confronted with this issue many times, I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Then, after many years of fasting on a mountain top, I had an epiphany! It didn’t matter whether I ever got it, as long as I got flowers. Heather likes them. She likes when I think to get them. That’s all that matters.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

- Dan

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:03 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

The Unapologetic Home Body

In my younger days (OK not that many years ago, but I feel somehow that openers like that lend one added credibility) I was a person who was out and about much of the time.

Being out with friends to movies and clubs and restaurants and trips away was all part of my single-person-lifestyle… and I had a great time! I think it was pretty much the same for Dan. In hindsight, I guess at least part of me was out looking for something and eventually I found it in the love of my life.

After we married, bought a house and moved to a smaller city, we both discovered that we no longer wanted to be "out"; we really and truly wanted be "in". We learned how much we honestly enjoy being at or near home on our beautiful island. Boring? Naaaah, not for us! The thought of getting on the ferry and heading for somewhere else, even though we have terrific friends on the other side of the water, just doesn’t appeal these days. The big city and the single life? We don’t miss it. Not for a minute. It makes all the difference when you're at home with the right person!

I suppose the fact that we both had jobs where we traveled around the world a great deal is one factor in this. And the fact that we have a busy, energetic toddler and soon (VERY SOON, I hope!) we will have another little person on the scene, is another reason for not really wanting to venture too far. But the truth is this: we are home bodies and proud of it! Quiet nights in, either just us or with friends and family, are what we love. A walk, a bit of TV, maybe read books, or maybe game or two of crib are all the activities of choice these days (oh yes, and blogging of course!) My, how times have changed…I have never been happier!

I just read a nice little piece on About Marriage that seemed appropriate for a couple of home bodies like us. It was about having a vacation in your own backyard - or a “stay-cation” as it was referred to on Corner Gas – and I have no doubt that, this year, that is exactly what we will do. We love our house, our neighbourhood and our city. For now it is exactly where this happy couple wants to be.

Of course, we’ll still go back to New York (and that fabulous out-of-the-way restaurant in Greenwich Villiage called, somewhat appropriately, Home) when the kids are out of diapers!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:34 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The Point and Click Mentality and Your Relationship

Anyone reading this is well versed in the speed and, hopefully, the efficiency of the world on-line. We like being able to point and click and instantly get the information or the product we are searching for. For many of us, it has become a kind of immediate gratification and nothing becomes more irritating than a slo-o-o-o-ow response to our query or search. And, if we hit a page we don’t fancy, something new and different is just a button click away. But here is a question we believe is worth considering: Has this point and click mentality begun to affect our expectations in our relationships?

I know that there are some things couples can do that will usually instantly improve their partner’s day or mood (even if they are already having a fabulous day). You know your partner best, so we can’t really tell you exactly what to do for instantaneous bettering of your relationship, but you can always try the very effective:

• Show your partner appreciation
• Give each other space to do things you enjoy
• Make dates to spend time together and make each other feel special
• Initiate romance (not JUST sex)
• Hold hands when you are walking …why not?

I bet if you try any one of the above you will quickly be very happy with the outcome, and that is always desirable.

However, though these activities may seem like they may work as “quick fix”, it is important to keep in mind that none of these actions (or others like them) is a “one off”. Building a good marriage takes time, effort and consistency. The point and click mentality of this modern world may make us, on some level, expect that once we decide to have a wedding and join our lives, that things should be completely easy from then on out. This is a dangerous attitude.

As Dan and I were talking about this, he said, “Think of the relationship like gardening.” (He is very into his garden just now – and it is coming along wonderfully I might add.) In the spring, you get all excited about the warm weather and start planning what you’d like to grow. You visit nurseries and decide on colours and varieties and you being to think about where you are going to plant things. For those with a green thumb, this is a very exciting time. But, if after the seeds are in the ground, you ignore them or forget to water them you are going to have serious problems. And, if you don’t keep the weeds from taking over you are going to lose everything you planted. Are you getting my not so subtle point?

For me, I look at it like wanting to lose 30 pounds and then going to the gym only one time (wouldn’t it be great if that worked??) and expecting fabulous results. It doesn’t make much sense, does it?

Improving our relationships (even if they are already pretty terrific) is not as simple as navigating our way through Cyberia. Quick fixes are not always possible. While keeping in mind that the little things we do for our partners DO matter, we have to remind ourselves that we are in this for the long haul. CouplesQuestions.com encourages you to offer your beloved your time, love, energy, enthusiasm and commitment in creative and consistent ways will help your relationship continue to grow and deepen.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:03 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Have You Had a Good Laugh Lately?

I was reminded again today how wonderful it is to have a partner who makes me laugh. He doesn’t just make me chuckle, he makes me throw my head back and let out those fabulous, full body guffaws. He is SO the one for me!

As we move through the years together and the various stages of our relationship, it is so wonderful to know that no matter what phase of life we are in, we continue to make each other laugh. What a gift! With jobs and children and pregnancy and chores and family and life in general we don’t get to pay attention to the romance as much as we use to. We make the effort for certain, but it is not always possible to take those moonlit strolls or whisk each other away for the weekend. But when we find that we still make each other laugh, seriously laugh, I feel like I felt when we first started dating: excited, connected, romantic and SO totally in love.

I remember a lifetime ago, I was in a relationship with a man who adored me and treated me like gold. On paper everything look great, but I always felt that something was missing. When I expressed this concern to a friend’s mother, she asked me, “Does he make you laugh?”. She explained that she had been married for nearly 40 years and she and her husband STILL laugh together. That really gave me something to think about and I became certain that there must have been someone else out there for me. After I met Dan a few years later, I felt totally justified in the choices I made.

Laughter has other benefits in addition to just being plain fun. According to the article The Healing Power of Laughter, it, among other things, lowers your blood pressure, increases the oxygen in your system, promotes relaxation, and reduces stress. Therefore, choosing a partner who makes you laugh, in addition to all their fabulous other qualities, may just make a difference to your health in the long run. After all, you plan to be together forever don't you? Be sure to have a few grins along the way!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:24 PM 0 Comments Links to this post