What makes your love extraordinary?

Dan's right. We place more emphasis on the marriage than the wedding and all the incredible details and distractions that go along with The Big Day. We encourage people to spend time on their relationship and their future together and not just focus on one day. We hope that couples will put the same energy, enthusiasm, time and love that they spend on planning the wedding into strengthening their bond as partners. That's the dream.

But let's be clear about something: WE LOVE WEDDINGS!! They are fun, they are romantic, they bring families together, they are sentimental, and they are full of important rituals and traditions that are worthy of being honoured. We hope that every couple has exactly the wedding they dream about in what ever form that takes. If you want something small and simple, great! Don't allow yourselves to be pushed into something more. If you want the big dress, the limousines and the five-course meal for 300 guests (and if you can afford it - otherwise we advise against this option!) then by all means, have the celebration you want. It's your day.

What is important to remember is that which is at the heart of the wedding: two people are joining their lives, for better or for worse and for always. When you think about it, it really doesn't matter that the groomsmen's boutonnieres don't look like the ones you ordered or the napkins aren't the exact colour of the flowers or whether the wedding favors are all just so. These are NOT the things that make your love extraordinary. You are.

I came across an great article by Linda Arakawa that got me thinking about what real love is - and isn't. Check it out. If it doesn't get you thinking beyond the wedding day even a little bit, then your heart is made of stone. OK, that was a bit overly dramatic perhaps, but it's a lovely article that really puts all-things-wedding in perspective.

I guess that is all I am trying to say: Have the wedding of your dreams, but keep in perspective about what is really important - the marriage.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 11:15 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Whirled Events: Wedding Scents

As you know, we are not so much about the wedding.

We like to focus on the marriage. But we do like weddings and we do like good wedding ideas. Here's one: Whirled Events: Wedding Scents

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:44 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Should you sign a prenuptual agreement?

Exit strategies are great things. For UN peacekeeping missions.

But UN missions aren't romantic endeavours. Yes, we are fans of going into marriage with eyes wide open. And yes, prenups are going to make sense for some people. But we are still agnostic about the idea for most people. We wouldn't want people to approach their relationship with the thought that it doesn't matter whether they work things out, since they have an easy way out.

We want them to choose someone compatible and we want them to learn the skills to keep their love strong. We want them to get to know each other before the wedding, so they don't get unhappy surprises after the wedding.

To be fair, it is easy to take cheap shots at prenuptual agreements. We don't mean to be putting you down. Just don't invest the prenup with any more meaning than, say, the contract for booking the reception hall. It is not part of the marriage and it most likely won't help you have a better marriage. It won't make a divorce any easier, though it might make it less messy.

If you do feel you need a prenup, then go for it. But also make yourself a promise to do premarriage counselling or coaching, too. Make sure you have the skills and understanding to make sure you never have to fall back on the prenup.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:39 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

In the Name of Love Turn off the TV Once in a While

The television - the boob tube, the idiot box, whatever you prefer to call it - is often the killer of romance. Is your love life at risk? Do you and your partner spend evenings in the same room without saying anything to each other? Do you have a TV in your bedroom? Even though you may be sitting in companionable silence with your loved one, you are probably not really connecting with each other. And that may not even be the worst of it…

An Italian study earlier this year reported some very interesting findings. The two results that really stood out for me were: 1) Couples who had a TV in their bedroom had sex half as frequently as couples who don’t have TVs in the boudoir. And that number gets worse as people age. 2) Couples are also half as likely to make love after watching shows containing violence. Even reality shows were said to dampen a couple’s enthusiasm for canoodling by one third. Including Survivorman? Really?

I know there are nights when we’re tired and staring at the TV (or a computer screen) is about all we feel we can do. We all need nights like that where we just do nothing. But sometimes, by the time we are ready to climb in bed Dan and I realize that we hadn’t really talked to each other all evening. Now and again, that’s just the way it goes and that’s fine. But other times, after the heads hit pillows we end up chatting the night away, catching up, and making ourselves more tired - though it’s usually worth it. Inevitably, we end up wishing we had NOT spent the 3 hours on the sofa doing diddly squat.

Why not try something different tonight? Turn off the TV, break out the Scrabble, the Monopoly or the deck of cards and challenge your partner to a game. Go for a bike ride. Take a long walk together, grab a coffee and after the sun sets peek in your neighbours windows as you go past (nothing creepy, please!!) and admire their colour schemes. Whatever! After a hard day at work and away from each other, wouldn’t it be nice to spend some time doing something fun and really connecting with the person you love? Whether you are living together, engaged, or already married, turn off the TV and try to find ways to enjoy the simple things in life together.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

Disclaimer: This blog was easier for me to write now that American Idol is over for another season.

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:57 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The perfect nuclear family

According to recent research out of Australia, couples with one son and one daughter are more likely to stay together than those with two daughters or two sons. You can find a CBC news article on it here. But come back after reading it, because we want to make a point.

Now you can't really control what gender your kids are going to be. Well, I guess you can, but it's a pain and you shouldn't.

The point here is not "Ohmygod, we've got two daughters! We're doomed!" Demographics may be destiny for society, but not for your little family group. You have control.

The researcher concluded "There's something about having one of each that makes parents a little bit more satisfied." Well, it may be so. But if you aren't blessed with right mix (right according to this study), then do some things to make your partner "a little bit more satisfied". Compliments help, apologies help. Snuggles, meaningful gifts, small sacrifices and compromise help. Time apart can help; time together can help.

And, of course, we are firm believers that premarital counselling or coaching will help.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:58 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Secrets Happy Couples Know

While standing in the lineup at the checkout counter at my local supermarket, paying heed to my latest pregnancy cravings (chocolate ice cream, edamame -Japanese soybeans - and lemonade) an article in a magazine caught my eye. The title was “The 4 Little Secrets Happy Couples Know.” Though I rarely buy magazines, I couldn’t resist and promptly added June’s Family Circle to my weird array of purchases.

The article was written by Shana Aborn and it is well worth the read (and more than worth the mere $1.99US for the mag!). She talks about how couples can help a relationship by letting go of “negative mindsets” that get in the way of true happiness. Aborn offers the readers four clear suggestions of how couples might do this. To paraphrase, the four secrets happy couples know are:

1) If you are the boss, fire yourself. You do not always have to have everything your way. Work on a partnership not a dictatorship.

2) Say goodbye to fantasyland. Let go of the “Hollywood ending”. Don’t waste time dreaming about what might be, or about some “perfect” future that never materializes. Appreciate the good qualities of what’s right in front of you.

3) Go from “I win” to “we win”. Try not to look at situations as “You VS me” but rather as situations both of us need to work out together. It is more creative and far more loving than “earning points on the marital scoreboard”.

4) Surrender in the bedroom. Women, drop the negative messages you send yourself and start focusing on positive things you like about your body. Remember your partner adores you! Relinquish some of the control you have, especially if you are the one who says “no” more often than “yes”. Let yourself go and have some fun!

I have given the “in a nutshell” breakdown of Aborn’s secrets for happy couples. But, I encourage you to read the whole article for yourself. At CouplesQuestions.com we are all about making relationships better and planning for successful, happy marriages. Her suggestions are as good as just about any pre marriage advice I have come across.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:22 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

The Best Marriage Advice

I ever got...

Was from the counsellor who did our marriage education. (Ann Evans, for any of you in Vancouver.) There were "aha moments" in every one of our sessions. But futzing around in our garden this long weekend, I got to mulling over what I'd learned and what advice we'd taken.

The one thing that stands out most right now was her advice for us to wait a few years before having children. It gives time to enjoy one another and deepen your roots as a couple. We developed our own ways of doing things, of enjoying ourselves and of enjoying each other. (What Ann called the 'we-ness', which always cracked us up.)

Parenting brings stresses and it changes your life. You learn, you adapt, and you work together. It is very worthwhile, but it is not romantic. We rarely even get to go out for walks together in the evening, something we used to love. If our family life were a house, our time together pre-baby would be the foundation. And it is always best to build on a strong foundation.

Personally, I'm convinced that your time together as a couple, before having kids, improves your odds of a successful transition into being empty nesters two decades later.

We know that not all couples have the luxury of waiting before having children... but that will have to be the topic of another post! More on the gardening another time, too.

Happy couples, happy planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:42 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

CouplesQuestions gets closer

CouplesQuestions.com is one step closer to reality.

We met with our designer and her programmer and we are just delighted. A sneak peak at the design is available by going to CouplesQuestions.com. We are still a month from launch... it is just amazing the amount of work, checking, and re-checking. But it is going to be well worthwhile. Soon there will be another star in the premarriage counselling constellation!

Happy couples, happy planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:52 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

If It Hurts, Don’t Do It…

…this is true in pregnancy and in relationships.

Those of you who have been following along know that Dan and I are expecting our second child, a boy this time, in the next few weeks. As I am getting near the end, my doctor’s appointments are stepping up in frequency and I always feel a little bit like I am wasting my Doc’s time as a) I am now an experienced mother, so I have few questions, and b) I am “grossly normal” –meaning that I don’t really have many complaints or problems. At my last visit, however, I was almost happy to have something to say other than, “no, everything’s fine”. I disclosed that I have been experiencing some pain when I walk or when I ride the stationary bike too quickly (ie anything above a snail’s pace). She asked me if the pain was short-lived and I told her that, no, it was long lasting. Her response was clear and practical: “If it hurts, don’t do it. Try something else.”

When I got home after the appointment and reported back to Dan, it occurred to us (well to him, really, as I was too busy breaking out the pickles and ice cream) that it is exactly the same in relationships. If it hurts, don’t do it. Now let’s be very clear here, we are not suggesting packing in your relationship at the first sign of trouble. But, if you are in constant agony as to whether your partner is really the one for you, or worse, if they make you feel sad, belittled, or unworthy then you need to move on. If it hurts, don’t do it. Try something else. It is really as simple as that (though I realize become more complicated if children and finances are involved…).

Look at it this way: if you were doing something that was causing you physical pain, you would probably stop that activity and find a way to improve the situation and then, if necessary, consult a medical professional. If it is a serious and prolonged heartache you are experiencing, don’t you think is makes sense to do the same thing? If it hurts, don’t do it. You deserve so much better.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:59 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

How do you know if he or she is The One?

There comes a time in every relationship when the people involved have to ask themselves some pointed questions about the person they are spending time with. They may ask themselves not only “Is this a person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” but (dun, dun, duuuun!) “Are they The One?”

I was very lucky. I had dated different people on and off over the years and I had even spent significant periods of time as a cheerful single. I refused to spend longer than necessary with someone who didn't make me feel special or I didn't see myself spending significant periods of time with. Friends and family always told me that when you are with the right person you will know. You'll just know. Well you know what? I met Dan, fell in love and NOW I know. I feel totally justifed in not settling for something less that wonderful. And so should you.

Our feeling at CouplesQuestions.com is this:

If you are truly uncertain, then they are not the one. If you agonize back and forth over whether they are or are not the one, they are probably not the one. If you are with this person just because you don’t want to be single anymore or are afraid to be alone, they are not the one. If it looks good on paper but doesn’t quite feel right. They are not the one.

We know that you love your partner, but if you are unsure whether or not they are The One you want to spend your life with, you might ask yourself these questions which we adapted from an about.com page:

• Are there any “deal breakers”? For example, she doesn’t want children and you do. She is not the one.
• Are you involved for the right reasons? If it’s her money, or his status you love you need to examine your motives. You may be denying yourself the chance to find true love.
• Do you share the same life plans and goals? They don’t have to be exact but they should be in sync. If one of you wants to join the Peace Corp and the other wants to work on Wall Street you may have a problem. Do you share the same values?
• Nobody is perfect. Can you live with their flaws?
• How does this person make you feel? Loved? Cherished? Adored? Or tolerated, ugly, and depressed? Do they make you feel like you are the most important thing in their life? Do you KNOW, without a doubt, you are loved?

Think carefully about your answers to these questions. Remember: you do not have to settle. If your current relationship does not measure up, chances are you will find one that does. You deserve it.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:44 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Why a Pre-marriage Course?

Yes, why? You're in love, you're great together, and why take a risk on something that could lead to your first fight?

Our first blog post on the subject is here and, trust us, there will be more. But we aren't the only ones who are passionate promoters of premarriage.

Here's another take, courtesy of Emma West at My Wedding Blog.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:31 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Lifehacker Again -- Finding Lost Objects

It's our new favourite thing.

We had a look at this article from Lifehacker.com and it really rang true. So Heather applied the Eureka Zone principle to the search for our camera. It had been missing two months, TWO MONTHS! That's a long time to be missing your camera when you have a toddler to take pictures of.

So... Heather figured the camera should be in the top drawer of the cabinet in our dining room. It wasn't... but it was exactly 18 inches away (read the article) on a table top, in plain sight but sitting behind a stack of unopened bills (sorry Sears).

Now we are easily distracted, so this article is a godsend. And when we think back... well, the rule seems to hold about 95% of the time.

The only downside is the comments on the Lifehacker post were less than ringing endorsements. We want to get in there and comment, dammit! C'mon Lifehacker... take pity on us!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:52 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Love in an Emergency

It's Emergency Preparedness Week here in Canada. So what?

If you do nothing else:

1) Keep an emergency supply of water on hand. Go out this weekend and buy large water containers from a place like Canadian Tire or Mountain Equipment Co-op. Refill them from your taps at least once a year to keep the water drinkable. You'll need at least 4 litres (1 gallon) per day per person. This adds up because you want at least three days supply and preferably a week's worth. And some extra is always good -- to share with your neighbour. In emergencies, people look out for each other. It's not what the media would have you believe, but it is generally true.

2) Decide on an "out of area" phone number. Local phone service is often knocked out in an emergency. Even if it isn't, you should stay off the phone so that the injured can call for help. Instead, make one call to someone in a different state or province. Then they can let everyone know you are alright. This is really important if both of you are at work and the kids are at school. Imagine what a relief to be able to phone Uncle Adam and find out you are all OK, instead of walking across town, worried the whole way!

What does a blog about getting a great relationship have to do with emergency preparedness? Well, they are rather similar actually. Both are about being ready when trouble hits. Any type of pre-marriage preparation you do to strengthen your relationship will help make things easier when you hit rough patches. CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!) will help you do just that!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:58 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Trying To Make the World A Better Place – The LifeHacker Way

If you have been following along, you know that our lofty goal at CouplesQuestions.com (launching soon!) is to make the planet a better place - one couple at a time. But we are not the only ones out there in Webland trying to transform and enhance the way people look at and function in the world.

Dan came across a great site the other night that contains numerous terrific articles about how to make your life better and easier and we’d thought we’d share.

Lifehacker.com is a website, described by the Wall Street Journal as “geek-chic”, and has ideas ranging from “Happiness Quick Tips”, to “How to Find Lost Objects”, to ideas for organization, web publishing and personal finance. I’m telling you the range of neat and interesting posts in incredible!

It is really a site worth checking out. We are all for anything that is just plain interesting and cool, but most especially, we are totally behind anything gives us ideas for simplifying life and allowing us more time together.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:53 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Why Do a Pre Marriage Course?

I believe it was Tolstoy who said, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility”.

We know that you love your partner. We know you adore them. We know that they are your sun and your moon and everything in between. We know that in the early stages of a relationship everything is perfect. And that is fabulous!

But we also know that you are each your own person with your own opinions, feelings and experiences. We know that as times passes and the relationship evolves through different stages, small irritations, disagreements, and conflicts will inevitably come up. Doing a pre-marriage course or counselling will not only give you the tools to know how to handle these trouble spots, it will give you the confidence to face them head on.

“Happily-ever-after” is a fine notion and one we all hope for, but the reality is that to achieve that it takes love, energy and attention. Some people may think that the practicality and sensibleness of taking a close look at your relationship and how you interact with each other (i.e. by doing a pre marriage course) will detract from the romance and excitement of being together. But think of it this way: If you want to spend the next 60 years together, wouldn’t you like those years to be as wonderful as they can possibly be? Don’t you want the love to last?

If you are getting married, think about all the planning you are doing for the wedding. Think about the expense. Don’t you think that your MARRIAGE deserves at least some of that attention you are paying to the wedding day? Whether through your local community centre, through your place of worship, though a professional marriage and family therapist, or at CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!... and our personal preference!) there are many places where couples can learn how to make their marriages great.

At CouplesQuestions.com we really believe that strengthening couples, strengthens families. And we believe that strong families are the backbone of any great and productive community. In our own way, we just want to make the world a better place. After all…

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 4:11 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

The Stages of Marriage: A Reality Check

One of the biggest myths perpetuated in modern western culture is that Romantic Love lasts forever. This is a particularly damaging belief because it leaves couples who are going through the natural evolution of a relationship with the idea that there is something wrong if they don’t measure up to the Fairy Tale ideal.

If you are getting married or are in the early stages of a long term relationship, it is really important to understand the stages of marriage so that you are prepared for changes and challenges as they come up. Below find one idea about the stages of marriage.

Stage one: Enchantment
You are head over heels in love, you can’t stand to be apart, you have so much in common, and you only see perfection -- even in your partner's tiny “flaws”. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and you feel slightly drunk most of the time. You are both on your best behaviour and do anything you can to make the other happy. In a nutshell, you just can’t get enough of each other. A wonderfully exciting time! A great time to try CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!) with your partner.

Stage two: Disenchantment
For many of us, this stage is not nearly as bad as it sounds. Seriously. But, what it means is that as you really get to know your partner for who he or she is, and as a greater level of comfort is found in the relationship, some of the bloom comes off the rose. Reality sets in. Though there may be some disappointment during this time, I stress this is not all necessarily bad (many people find it a very comforting and relaxed time). However, some people will miss the excitement and romance found in the first stage of marriage and this may leave them feeling sad. As a couple, you will have to find a way to stoke that fire once in a while and remind yourselves how fun it is to be crazily and stupidly in love! Also a great time to try CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!) with your partner. Why not?

Stage Three: Productivity
You have made it though the disenchantment phase and come out the other side. You and your partner work on building your lives together. This may mean a number of different things from finishing your education, to embarking on careers, to buying a house. Or, it simply may be doing the best you can to continue moving forward as a couple.

Stage Four: Children and redefining of self
After having children, you as a couple move from being each other’s lover and companion to being Mom and Dad. The transition to this stage can be challenging for many of us -- particularly because it is fraught with physical changes (not necessarily just for the moms!), sleep deprivation, and all kinds of ups and downs. The couple may find it difficult to find time to connect with each other in a loving, romantic way. Nevertheless, it is important not to lose sight of each other and make a special effort to make each other a priority at least some of the time. It is a demanding time for sure, but it can also be tremendously rewarding.

Stage Five: Post Parenting – Who are you again?
This is the stage that we are all really shooting for, isn’t it? The kids are grown, careers are winding down and hopefully we are all a little more financially secure so that we can enjoy ourselves a bit. Wouldn’t it be great to know that we don’t have to go too far to reconnect with our partner? Wouldn’t it be nice to have put in enough effort at our relationship over the years that we are not faced with a complete stranger in our bed once the kids have gone? Don’t you want to be that little old couple walking along who is holding hands after 55 years of marriage? You can be, but you won’t get there by taking your partner or your relationship for granted.

If you are still with me, thanks for taking the time to read to this point. Being aware of the stages of marriage should help couples to understand that their relationship, even if in a tough or awkward spot, is probably normal. Even with the ups and downs faced in absolutely every relationship, you can still have an amazing connection with your partner for decades to come. All it takes is a little attention, love and effort. Do it! You are worth it.

For more on the subject, Dawn J. Lipthrott has written a great little article on stages in marriage.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 4:04 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

In memory of a friend

Kelly Jones was a good guy.

I'll be going to his memorial service this afternoon. He was a fellow wargamer, a decent man, fun-loving and very gregarious. I will miss him.

The last time I talked to him was September 2004. My daughter was just about to be born and he told the assembled gamers that it would be the last time they saw me for a long time, because I was going to be too busy. He was right, but neither of us expected it to be the last time we ever saw each other.

It's a cliche, but I just kept putting off calling him. I feel pretty stupid, given that a mutual friend told me Kelly was sick. Don't let this happen to you!

- Dan

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:12 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Cautionary Tale

My last two posts are verging on pollyanna-ish.

For an antidote, read this sad -- but very well written -- blog from a man whose marriage was falling apart.

I'd especially recommend the October 31, 2004 post. (Yes, G hasn't posted in a year and yet it is still riveting reading. I hope his absence is because life has gotten too good.) I think the change that G talks about in this post is exactly the sort of thing that premarriage counselling can help you avoid. And I think this because I experienced the same thing.

- Dan

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:50 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

For the Love of the Road Trip

Now the parking lot is empty, everyone’s gone some place
I pick you up and in the trunk I’ve packed a cooler and a two-day suitcase
There’s a place we like to drive way out in the country, and five miles out of the city limits we’re singing and your hand is on my knee.

~The Power of Two, by the Indigo Girls (played and sung at our wedding)

When was the last time you and your partner climbed in the car and headed out for the day (or better yet for a few days)? I am not talking about running around town doing chores and catching up on errands on a Saturday morning. I am talking about packing up some snacks, grabbing the camera, getting out a map and pointing your finger to a random spot.

As far as I am concerned, there are few things I would rather do on the weekend than hit the road with my husband, Dan. We live in an incredibly beautiful part of the world and we don’t have to go far from our home to quickly be surrounded by amazing scenery, or to find ourselves in quaint villages. It always amazes me how easy it is to discover new and wonderful places together.

We love to start out early, go to the drive-through (Dan has a weakness for sausage Mc Muffins and coffee) check the gas and then get moving. We might have a destination all planned out, or we may just see where the road takes us. Sometimes we plan to have a walk or a hike on the way, and other times we are just happy to be driving and talking and thinking about where we might stop of lunch.

We use the time in the car to reconnect with each other. We catch up on what’s been going on in the other’s life, we talk over any issues we might be having, we talk about our goals and our plans, sometimes we sing, and, very importantly, we continue our ongoing game of “punch buggy” (It gets rather competitive in these parts as there are many old Volkswagens around here. Dan hates to admit it, but I am a far superior player!).

We don’t get to do as many road trips as we would like to these days, as we have a very active toddler who doesn’t like to sit in the car for long periods of time. But on days when the grandparents are watching our daughter and we can take off on our own for a while, we always have a great time hanging out together. Renewing our connection in the confines of our junky old car has helped us create some of the best memories we share.

Even if you don’t own our own car, you and your partner can rent one for the day or for the weekend. You can head out to a different city and explore it together, or you can find secluded spots in the wilderness way outside of any town. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the time you share bonding with your partner and getting away from your everyday life for a while. Building memories and spending time together as a couple is far more important than any Saturday chores you may have. So forget them, grab some CDs, grab you partner and GO!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 3:09 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Gifts, gifts, gifts!

Two posts ago, I was convinced that the best gift I'd ever gotten was a remote control airplane. Now I am not so sure.

I was gardening in the warm sun this evening, after work. There is a lovely, great rosemary bush in a container on our patio. The scent of it reminds me of my Italian heritage. As I glanced up at it, I remember it was my Christmas gift from Heather two Christmases ago. And it is tied for top place.

Again, it was totally unexpected and yet perfect. But the presentation made it all the better, sitting outside dusted in snow, with a big Christmas ribbon. Instead of unwrapping it, Heather had me go look out the dining room window.

For me, the moral of the story is that gifts are more special when there are fewer of them. We only give each other a gift or two on any occasion. Not sure that logic will work for your kids on Christmas morning! But it might work for the two of you.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

- Dan

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:04 PM 9 Comments Links to this post

Talk it Out Before You Tie The Knot - Money Matters

For couples who are getting married or embarking on any serious and lifelong relationship, it is important to talk about issues that may cause potential pitfalls BEFORE problems arise. Each person brings their own ideas, perspective and background to any relationship and how your partner does something or views an issue may be different from you. This can cause conflict. That is what our soon to be launched website, CouplesQuestions.com, is about - talking things over before problems come up.

Not surprisingly, one of the biggest problem areas couples can face is money issues. Time and again, disagreements about finances are cited as causes for conflict in relationships and (sorry to be negative here) as reasons for breakups. When we did our pre-marriage counselling, the counselor indicated to us that people fit into four basic types where money is concerned. To paraphrase her, they are:

• The Spender – one who spends for today, denies themselves little and typically uses credit a great deal
• The Saver – is very conscious of putting money away and spends as little as necessary. A penny saved is a penny earned.
• The Builder – is one who wants to use the money as a tool to, essentially, get more money. Investments are the thing.
• The Giver – is someone who spends but with a focus on other people (family, friends, gifts, etc.)

In order to save future grief and avoid arguments, you and your partner need to figure out what kind of spenders you are. If you have very different money personalities you need to come up with a plan of how the two of you are going to address money issues in a fair and reasonable way. If you have the same type of money personality (especially one that can be rather destructive like The Spender) the two of you need to determine how you are going to work together for the benefit of the couple. For another take on character and money, you can also check out this recent article “Money Personalities Eventually Show Themselves” by Gregory Karp.

It is no secret that money matters are a common cause of problems in relationships. We all know this. And yet, so many of us don’t have the important conversations around money in our relationships that we should. This doesn’t have to be a scary thing to do - especially since you LOVE the person you need to have the conversation with and they love you! You are planning to build a life together. Why not start with a strong foundation?

Where to start?

• Each of you should talk about your money habits.
• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• What kind of debt do you each have (together or separately)?
• What are your money obligations?
• What are your financial goals? How do you plan to meet these goals?

Open up the discussion about money and together come up with ways to improve your financial situation.

More in-depth and specific questions related to money will be part of CoupleQuestions.com when the site is launched… soon!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 9:32 PM 0 Comments Links to this post