Best Gift Ever!

What makes a great gift for the love of your life?

I happened across Whirled Events in the usual round about blog way a week or two ago (that is, adding my two cents worth in response to a question she had on ProBlogger). I like the way Carolyn writes and I feel like a kindred spirit because we are both just about to launch our business sites. And "Whirled Events" is a great name. So I added a link here and started thinking what the best gift I ever got was.

I have to say, the answer surprised me, will surprise Heather when she reads this, and might just dismay poor Carolyn.

Sitting in the basement, unbuilt, is a remote control airplane. I was tickled pink when Heather gave it to me and I am still delighted every time I see the kit. I like building things, though I have a hard time getting around to them. I've wanted to fly RC airplanes ever since I was a kid (a couple of attempts then were complete disasters). But I don't remember telling Heather about it. I have to admit, a model airplane is more a gift for a kid than an adult.

So... the gift came as a complete surprise and it was perfect. A pretty nice combo, eh?

Even though I haven't started building the plane (after almost two years), I still love the fact that Heather got it for me. So... I guess the moral of the story is that a great gift isn't about the money spent, but about knowing the person you are getting it for.

- Dan

posted by Heather and Dan @ 10:09 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

“The 10 Second Kiss” - Create Your Own Rules

Trying to think of ways to inject a little energy and excitement into your relationship? Looking for ways to feel more connected to your partner? Do you want to avoid taking each other for granted?

Whether you’ve been together for a while or whether your relationship is still quite new, there are plenty of proactive things you can do to help yourselves and make your relationship even better. And best of all you don’t have to reinvent the wheel on this one if you are stuck for ideas. There are numerous books and other resources out there to inspire you.

Early on in our relationship, and I knew we were meant to be together and were talking about how we were going to make the next 60 years great ones without taking each other for granted. At this point, Dan produced a book that he had heard about called The 10 Second Kiss, by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D. It was said to be “the magical formula for passion, pleasure, and playfulness”. I was totally impressed. No guy I had ever known had even made a reference to a book on relationships, let alone actually read one. He lent it to me and I was immediately struck by the straight forward approach the book took toward to achieving a lifelong romance.

The chapters are titled rather simply, advocating among other things, “The 10 Second Kiss”, “The Five Second Compliment” and “The 60 Minute Seduction”. The content of each chapter gives clear, concise information about why seemingly simple actions in a relationship can have a HUGE impact on how you feel and how you partner feels. It’s really a great read. You should check it out. I know it's available at amazon.com (...and before you ask, no, we don’t have any stock in this book, we just like it) and of course at the library.

You might come up with some “rules” of your own for your relationship. For example, maybe it will become a rule for you to greet each other face to face, perhaps with a kiss or a hug, every time one or the other comes home for the day or after you’ve been apart for a while. True, it sounds simple, but for me I would much rather have a few minutes reconnecting with my partner than someone who basically ignores the fact that I have returned. I want my actions to help my partner to feel important and I want to feel the same way. Of course, if you have very young children, you may need to be a bit creative with a “rule” such as this, but it might be worth it to try.

In addition to other suggestions in this book, Dan and I are fans of the 10 second kiss idea. Admittedly we do not do it consciously every day (I’m so lucky, usually it just happens!), but now and then if it’s been a busy time, one or the other might suggest squeezing in a 10 second kiss as a quick reconnection. Let me tell you, it works every time!

Don’t feel helpless if you are trying to come up with ideas for re-energizing your relationship. Likewise, if you simply want to make sure your amazing relationship stays that way, don’t forget that many clever people have written great books to help you generate ideas for a fabulous relationship.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:39 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Priorities in Life Together – The Simple Things

We live in incredibly complicated times. Cell phones, blackberries, pagers, fax machines and e-mail are all supposed to make life more convenient – and of course to a large degree they do. But I get worried (stressed out, really) when the urgency of a phone call or an e-mail takes precedence over the people who are most important.

But it’s more than just technology that I am talking about here (I certainly don’t want to in any way portray myself as a Luddite, given the nature of the medium I am currently using…). It is about making choices of what is TRULY important to you and your partner and indeed your family.

Let me give you an example. There are nights, after our daughter has been bathed and put to bed, that Dan will be puttering away on the computer and I will be a few feet away watching something scintillating on TV. After some time has passed, we will realize that we haven’t actually spent any quality time talking to each other that evening and then off goes the TV and off goes the computer. We meet on the sofa to reconnect and chat about everything and nothing. We make each other the priority.

It’s not always for the rest of the evening –sometimes it is only for a few minutes and sometimes that’s all it takes. But is has become very important to me that my gorgeous husband know that he is more important to me than American Idol (I mean I love the show, but let’s face it, it’s a little goofy). This time we spend really talking together also reassures me that the investment newsletters he is reading online don’t take priority over me. Please don’t think I am an idiot. I mean intellectually I KNOW that I am more important, but when he shuts the computer down and comes over to where I am, I know it emotionally. And that’s essential.

I am learning too, that as my daughter gets older, I want her to know she is more important than what’s on the computer, or the dishes in the sink (thank heaven I am not a complete neat freak), or the DVD I can’t quite get through because she wants some attention. I never want her to feel like she doesn’t matter to me. If I thought that either she or my husband felt that way, it would break my heart.

So the challenge of the day that I am going to post here is for you to find a way to connect with the ones you love - boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, lover or even your child – in a way that makes them feel cherished and adored. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture (in fact it can be quite simple) and it doesn’t have to take hours, but it can make all the difference.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:06 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Corner Gas

Our first date was to see comedian Brent Butt, so here's a link to his TV show, Corner Gas.

Butt has a really wicked sense of humour, but the show is gentle silly comedy. And no *%^&*! laugh track!

And we are pretty much convinced that we introduced him to the word "InterWeb".

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:00 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Finding Wedding Readings That Work For You

Having trouble deciding what kind of readings you might use during your wedding ceremony? Can’t find just the right text that expresses how you and your partner feel about each other? Many people will go with religious readings, which are always fine, and others will go with the straight legal text of a civil ceremony. But more and more people are trying to find ways to personalize what is read at their wedding. How can you go about doing that?

For wedding reading suggestions, you can ask your chaplain, priest or justice of the peace. You can ask family and friends. You can go to the library or spend some time in one of those giant books stores where nobody ever bothers you. You can search the web for “wedding poetry” and be offered numerous ideas (sometimes the same ones over and over). These are all great places to look. But wouldn’t it be nice to have something read at your wedding ceremony or your reception that is specifically meaningful to you as a couple. I don’t know about you, but I find that lovely reading from Corinthians a little over done at weddings. Other than writing it yourself, such a poem can be tricky to find.

Now, having spoken of how lovely it is to have to have something personal read at your wedding, I am about to admit to something rather contradictory. We ‘personalized’ one of the readings at our wedding by stealing a poem we heard read at the wedding of some dear friends of ours. The poem was The Truelove, by David Whyte from the House of Belonging (you can find a copy of it at http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Truelove.html). We asked our friends first if they would mind, and not only did they look forward to hearing it again, Doug agreed to be the one to read it.

The interesting story here is how our friends, Doug and Ruth, found this poem that suited them, and us, so well. They didn’t want to have “the usual” wedding readings and really made every effort to search for something that was meaningful to them and spoke of them as a couple. In a moment of inspiration, they went online to the Lonely Planet website as together and individually they are a very well traveled couple, and they posted a message asking the worldly, interesting readers there if they had any suggestions for wedding readings. They had several responses from people around the world and chose The Truelove, suggested by someone from Seattle, I believe.

The message here is not to settle for “the usual” if you are looking for something more. Use ways unconventional to find readings, short stories or poems that are meaningful to you and your partner and that will speak of the life you hope to share together. Maybe you remember a beautiful story you read as a child (incidentally, our second reading was from The House at Pooh Corner), or maybe you have some favorite song lyrics that could be read. If you are into fly fishing, or gardening, or hockey, or cooking, or whatever, post a message on a message board and see if anyone has any suggestions for you. It is an incredibly wide world out there, but it will feel smaller when you get a suggestion for a wedding poem or reading sent to you from Warsaw or Wollongong. After all…

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 3:02 PM 2 Comments Links to this post

We Are Family - Get Up Everybody and Sing!

Ok, we’re not actually going to force anyone to sing, but when talking about getting married and joining two families, this catchy little ditty by Sister Sledge always comes to mind.

For many of us, getting married means more than just two people promising to love, honour and cherish each other forever. Marriage is the joining of two families, two sets of traditions and two ways of living life. This can be at times a wonderful and rewarding experience. At other times, it can be tremendously stressful and exasperating as each couple learns to understand and respect the way their partner does things, not to mention how things are done “at the in-laws”.

It can be very difficult to handle the various situations with extended family, but when Dan and I got married, we knew three things:

1. We were crazy in love with each other
2. We wanted to stay that way for at least 60 years
3. We wanted to live near our respective families

It was very important to us as a couple, and for any future children we were to have, that we be near our parents. Luckily both sets live in the same general area. We wanted to be able to know them as adults (not just the ungrateful children we were). We wanted to be able to assist them as they age. We wanted to share holidays and celebrations easily with them. We wanted to borrow their gardening tools and have them help us paint our house. (OK, those weren’t really in the plan, but they were definitely an added bonus!). Mostly, we knew we wanted a family and we wanted our children to know their grandparents.

Now it must be said that I know that I come at this topic with a generally rosy perspective as I actually LIKE my in-laws (does that make me weird?) and even like my own parents. They are all generally reasonable, caring and fun-loving people who enjoy their children (most of the time!) and adore their mutual grandchild (#2 is due in June). Because of their respect and open mindedness, both sets of parents have become friends in their own right. It is not uncommon, when we have asked one set of parents to watch our daughter for the evening, to find BOTH sets of parents spending the evening together as the world’s most loving and enthusiastic babysitting team. We are very fortunate.

Families can be very complicated and of course it won’t always be as easy as in our experience. But if family -- in-laws and extended family in particular -- is important to you, then you need to try to find a way to work it out.

What to do when you are finding this idea of joining families slightly irritating?

o Remember, as irritating as they may be, they are the people who raised the person you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with. Unless they are truly evil or criminal, they deserve some respect and tolerance.

o TALK TO YOUR PARTNER about what is irritating you. Together perhaps you can find a way through or around it.

o Talk with your in-laws about it in a diplomatic way. Don’t let tension build too high or you may regret it.

o Whenever possible, try and use humor to diffused the situation

o Agree to disagree

What to do when you are finding this idea of joining families downright unappealing?

o Is moving far away from them an option?

o You could try seeking counselling (or talk to some other third party) together as a family.

o TALK TO YOUR PARTNER about what is unpleasant to you. Remember to be diplomatic as they are his family.

o Set clear ground rules for getting along.

If you are lucky (I know that I was) you will have genuine affection for your partner’s family. That will make it easier to find ways to be inclusive and more accepting of any differences between the two sides. However, always keep in mind that you have made a commitment to your partner and, first and foremost, you are now each other’s family. Let your beloved know that he or she comes before all else in your mind.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:55 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Ideas for Surviving the Wedding Preparation - Make Time for Each Other!

So by now, if you read our first entry, you know that we are all about relationships. We want to make the world a better place one couple at a time. Lofty goal, no? Well, why the heck not? We like the idea of dreaming and dreaming big!

So you’re tying the knot. Getting hitched. Taking a trip down the aisle. Congratulations! Let me ask you this: How much time have you spent thinking about your relationship lately? Now you may be saying to yourself, “Of course I am thinking about my relationship! I’m getting MARRIED, aren’t I?” Getting married is, without a doubt, a fabulous way to publicly profess your love and commitment to your partner. Not to mention the fact that you get to get all dressed up, eat fantastic food, spend time with friends and family and generally have a great time. It can be a lot of fun organizing and coordinating all the details of a fancy wedding. I know people who have spent months (even years, actually) getting everything “just so”. And that is great. We just want to offer a very gentle reminder not to get too entirely wrapped up in all the details of planning a wedding so that you lose touch with your soon-to-be spouse.

We are not suggesting you compromise on what your Big Day means to you. Everybody should have their dream wedding in whatever form that takes. But, in all the planning and scheduling and preparing and organizing and decision making, don’t lose sight of what you are truly doing (committing to share you life with another) and why you are doing it (because you love and adore them). If you don’t pay at least some attention to each other and to your relationship, you may end up on your honeymoon saying, “Who are you, again?”

Here are some suggestions to take a breather from all the planning and preparation and maintain that fabulous connection to the one you adore.
o Go on dates where you make it a rule not to talk about the wedding for the duration of the date. These can be as simple as taking a bike ride together, or as elaborate as an incredible meal at a restaurant.

o Take a walk together, just the two of you. Go around your neighbourhood, walk in the park, or take a hike in the woods, whatever. Be sure to hold hands and find out how the other is doing!

o Do something together that is totally new for both of you. Rent scooters, go to a new museum or gallery, go bungee jumping, go to a stock car race, take a road trip to a new town, take a cooking class, go horse riding for the day, or maybe even go on a picnic to a new spot.

o Have a fabulous dinner party with some interesting people; talk as little about the wedding as possible.

o Set a night aside, turn off the TV, turn off the computer, put on some music, light some candles, and give each other a relaxing massage.

o Play a board game together.

o Take someone else’s children to the zoo, or the park, or to an animated movie. Look at the world through children’s eyes together.

o Spend an evening thinking beyond the wedding and set some goals for 5 years down the line. Think of what you would like to do personally and as a couple. Talk about what you can realistically achieve and throw in some “pipe dreams” too. Why not?

o Rent a funny movie you both know well. Make some popcorn and enjoy.

It doesn’t really matter what you do together. What matters is that you don’t forget to spend a little time and effort on maintaining your fabulous connection with your partner. Let them know that they are far more important to you than one day in your life.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 1:43 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Welcome to CouplesQuestions Blog!

Welcome to the first ever blog entry for our soon to be launched website CouplesQuestions.com!

CouplesQuestions.com is for engaged or newly married couples (or for couples who have just moved in together, for that matter) who want to spend a little time planning their relationship and making it better. We decided to start a companion blog for our site because we felt a little restricted writing for the web and constantly found ourselves cutting and editing, but really there are so many topics and tangents to be explored around marriage and relationships we felt we had to find a way to get more expressive. Blogging, it seems, is a way for us to do just that.

Our site (launching soon!) came about for several reasons, but initially it evolved because of our (my gorgeous husband Dan, and I) fantastic experience with pre-marriage counselling and our surprise at the fact that so few couples, it seems, participate in such a thing. When we did an online search for pre-marriage planning, other than links to religious organisations, all we got were wedding planning sites. Now, there are some terrific wedding planning sites out there, and I certainly don't mean to knock them, but we were interested in finding a site that would help us focus on our relationship. The wedding cermony and celebration we already had covered.

It continues to astound us the amount of money (Did you know that in the US, the cost of the average wedding is a little over $22,000? In Canada it is only slightly less.) and energy and effort and detail that goes into planning the average wedding. I mean it can be exhausting just thinking about it. Our mission with this blog and with our website is to shift a little focus from the WEDDING to the MARRIAGE. We want to encourage couples to spend a little time and a little effort on making their relationship better by asking important questions, learning more about their partner and working on goals that will ensure a fabulous future together. We absolutely support the importance of have one's dream wedding -- it should be an incredibly, wonderfully memorable day for you both!-- we just want to spread the word that the relationship needs some of that energy and effort, too.

We got so much out of our pre-marriage counselling and always recommend it to people we know who are getting married, but nobody ever seems to do it. Is it the cost? Is it the idea of taking the time out of your schedule? Is it the privacy issue or the discomfort of talking to a stranger about your personal issues? Whatever the reason, we hope that this blog and CouplesQuestions.com will provide an alternative to formal counselling that will help couples strengthen their relationship.

So that's us. Looking forward to more!

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 7:54 PM 1 Comments Links to this post