Talk it Out Before You Tie The Knot - Low Sex Drive!
What is it they say be for TV shows with adult content? WARNING: the following contains mature content of a sexual nature and may not be suitable for all readers. Seriously.There is no getting around it, sex is a big part of most marriages and at some point, though very dificult for many people, it needs be discussed. The format of the couplesquestions.com workbook may help take some of the embarrassment out of these (and possibly other) types of discussions. But in the meantime...
We aren't experts in sex therapy, but we had an e-mail lately from a man concerned about how his low sex drive and inability to perform the way he wants is affecting his marriage. We replied to him specifically, but a blog post on the subject generally may offer suggestions to other men in this same situation. Hopefully we can help a little.
First off, if you are experiencing low sex drive and inability to perform (impotence or premature ejaculation) you are probably pretty normal. There are lots of people in the same situation. Your first step should be to go talk to your doctor and see if there is anything wrong medically. It could be any number of things. It could be something that there is a medication for. Or it could be something like work stress. In that case, you may need to make a change in your life, like getting a different job.
Second, having a low sex drive may not even be the problem. The problem may be that you and your wife (we are assuming same-sex partners) are not in sync. If you have a very low sex drive and she has a high one, you both need to find a way to meet in the middle. You might think that sexual intercourse is the only real sex, but it is not (no matter what Bill Clinton says!). You could try oral sex on her and then finish up with intercourse. You could hold her and hug her while she masturbates. There is massage, there are games, there are toys.
It might be hard to try anything new when you are already nervous or even angry with each other. It may be much easier if you see a therapist or counsellor together. The counsellor will be much more helpful than we could ever be. And because they have all the proper training, you are both more likely to believe what they tell you.
Talking to your doctor or counsellor will probably be tough for you to do. Most men don't like to talk about this stuff, especially if there is a problem. But that is what doctors and counselors are there for. If you really find it too embarrassing, then print off this blog post and give that to the doctor to read. Your marriage is worth it.
If you can't afford a counsellor, you might be able to get free counselling provided at work or you might talk to your minister or priest or someone else like that. There are lots of free resources available from libraries, community centers, and free clinics. Start with a Google Search of what's available in your area.
You are doing the right thing -- looking for the knowledge you need to fix the problem. You should be proud of yourself. One thing you should ask yourself is "Does my partner know that I am trying to fix this situation?" Just like any challenge in a relationship, talking (or communicating about it in some way) helps. Your partner needs to know that you are worried about the situation and trying to do something ot make it better. She might not know it. You should tell her what you are doing. And you should tell her that you are doing it because she is worth it. So is your relationship.
Happy Couples, Happy Planet!
Labels: sex
posted by Heather and Dan @ 6:35 AM
2 Comments :
What would you say of a husband's whose drive is not particularly low but just out of sync with his wife's. My husband always initiates sex. In the extremely rare instances that I may feel in the mood first, he shuts down. He once indicated that he believes that it can only originate with him, that he even found my coming to bed in a negligee threatening because it indicated I expected something. I find that when I am disappointed by him, I get very angry and that my mind turns off any desire for a long time. This makes my somewhat low sex drive nonexistent, though he still expects me to respond to his initiative. So I resent that he has deprived me of passion
Sorry it has taken us sooooo long to reply. This is a tough one and we aren't really qualified to answer. So we are talking to some of our counsellor friends and will come up with something. Please stay tuned.
This is not an easy situation for you (and probably not for him either). We're glad you are looking for answers, though; you should be proud of that!
I should mention that you are not alone. We've heard back from a friend at at Venus Envy and she's had the same question put to her several times. She thinks that you two should probably go the counselling route.
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests rituals as ways to get the male and female sex drives more in synch. I wonder if that would help you, at least in the short term: finding some way to let him know that you are in the mood and let him take over from there. It could be something as simple as saying, "Take me to bed or lose me forever" (from the movie Top Gun).
Think about what it is that gets you in the mood, especially things that HE does. When he does something that gets you in the mood, you could say "Hmmm, that's just put me in the mood" (or something more subtle or more explicit, as the occasion demands!)
It could take a while to get your husband to come around to the idea of counselling. This tactic might make things a bit easier in the meantime.
I should note that our friend is not a counselor... she is a sex-positive business woman. We aren't counselors either. But we recommend them!
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