Before your next fight, read this (and October’s O Magazine)

The article, written by expert negotiator Daniel Shapiro PhD, opens with a situation that I am sure many of us can relate to. His wife wakes him up angrily early on a Saturday morning to complain he hadn’t done the dishes. He, however, had been up all night doing both of their tax returns and he was tired. She, clearly, is angry. And very quickly, he feels his own anger build. An all-out argument is about to ensue. They are going to do the your wrong and I’m right thing until the other gives in.

Shapiro is ticked off and he is tired. But he is also a trained professional and beyond all the anger he knows somewhere in the back of his mind the problem isn’t really a bunch of dirty plates. He says it’s about the way they have been treating each other. “We’ve started behaving like adversaries. And the longer we fight, the more defensive we’ll get and the more we’ll lash out – until a spat about dishes turns into a heated referendum about who deserves to live”. He goes on to say that, “The small stuff is just that – small. But if you are not careful, it can turn into a big problem that tears at the fabric of a relationship”. Not really a surprise to any of us in couples, but it’s what he does about it that may help all of us (engaged or newly married couples epecially).

He has spent 15 years studying the role of emotions in conflict situations so Shapiro’s work has given him some insight as to how to handle his own domestic circumstance constructively. Keyword: constructively. To do this you must keep in mind (pull this up from the depths of your brain past the name-calling and the bad feelings) that, essentially, you love and respect the other person. You must find a way to turn your adversary into a partner. He says this is crucial because, “As her adversary, I want to defeat her. As her partner, I want to listen to her – really listen”.

Because he is a professional, he has a plan that he has made in advance. Great idea. Figuring about how to handle a difficult situation before it starts, particularly in relationships, is something we are greatly in favor of. (Kind of like pre-marriage education…but I digress)

• Step one: The first thing he suggests is to take a 15 minute break to cool off and figure out what to do next.

• Step two: Shapiro channels his Aunt Margaret. But you could try channeling any person you know who shows a great deal of compassion and is able to listen well without judging. Aunt Margaret also apparently advocates breathing deeply and trying to see the other person's perspective. Good thinking. Smart woman.

• Step three: After gaining some empathy from Step Two, you have to communicate the fact that you have seen the situation from the other person’s POV (point of view) and you now “get it”. The dirty dishes are not the problem.

Shapiro gets to the heart the emotions behind this conflict (indeed anger is almost always covering some other emotion – fear, resentment, etc) by asking his wife with genuine interest and concern, “What is it you are hoping for right now?” And then they, as partners once again, got to the heart of the matter. It wasn’t the dishes. Of course it wasn’t.

It’s a great article. Well worth reading, with some practical suggestions for couples to put into practice when conflicts arise.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 3:31 PM