Why is it that we sometimes treat strangers better than our partners?
I have been thinking about this issue lately as I have been helping a friend, sadly, deal with the post mortem of her recently ended relationship.For her, the end came suddenly in a shocking and tremendously upsetting way - it was his decision, not hers. In the aftermath, she began the analysis of what went wrong (and how she might fix things, though I am not too sure that is going to happen). She recounted to me a number of "hot button" issues that had become of a problem for each of them. One of these issues (unfortunately there were many, apparently) was that each felt the other gave the best of themselves to their friends and family and saved the dregs for each other. Why do we do this?
According to an article in the latest issue of O Magazine, this is a relatively common complaint: people are often kinder and more considerate to their coworkers and people they meet in supermarket lineups than they are to their loved ones. In the case of my friend, her ex said that what he gave his friends and family was a show and that she got the "real" him. I believe he intended this to imply the deeper level of intimacy he felt with her that he could be "himself". She didn’t see it this way. She felt as though he was giving all the good stuff away and bringing her down because it seemed like he had stopped trying to please her. She, however, admitted that she was guilty of similar behavior.
I guess there is a common feeling out there that once you are in an established relationship, you can relax. For many, I suppose, this is one of the perks of the long term relationship and may explain why so many of us do things like gain weight and give up rigid exercise regimes. Does the comfort of being in a solid relationship make us want to be lazy? Does it make us so lazy that we forgo being considerate toward the person we supposedly love the most? We humans are weird. Shouldn’t we all be giving our very best to the ones we love?
In his O article, therapist Terrence Real says he believes "the quality we bring to our relationships with friends and coworkers but leave on the front steps at home is thoughtfulness". He doesn’t just mean not forgetting birthdays, he is talking about giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they are having a had time and reigning in our anger and annoyance. Real says we need to let go of the idea that we shouldn’t have to be so calculating with our partners. Rather, he says, we need to be "more conscious, more on our toes because no one pushes our hot buttons better or more often".
Though we don’t believe that your relationship should require a huge amount of effort (let's face, it if it is too hard over a long period of time them why would you put yourselves through that?), we do believe that Real makes a good point. Consistent effort at things like consideration and thoughtfulness toward our partners will go a long way in maintaining a happy relationship.
Happy Couples, Happy Planet!
posted by Heather and Dan @ 8:43 PM
2 Comments :
soooo true!!! I have a family relationship that this happen and I am trying to put the pieces back together... in fact going to blog about when i get some time...!!!
so simple.... thougthfulness ... and too hard?
Let us know if you do blog about it! It was certainly true in the family I grew up in (even though we all get along pretty well).
- Dan
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