Family of Origin Issues – The Way You Do the Things You Do!

The enchantment phase of a relationship is always exciting, but we are convinced that there must be some “love chemical” that gets released in our brains that makes this phenomenon of seeming sameness more evident in the beginning of a relationship. Of course, as we settle in to the comfortable, more secure and stable stages of the relationship we learn that we are, indeed, quite different. We all have different personalities and interests to be sure, but this occurrence is at least in part due to the way we were raised.

Each family is distinct and the way each family operates is unique. When two people decide to get married, they are bringing with them not only their love, trust, respect and humour, but also the particular family values from the way each was raised. Some of these values may be considered large and significant like those related to religion or money. Others may seem to be inconsequential.

These issues may lead the individual to act entirely differently from their partner’s expectations or the partner may even perceive the actions as wrong. It is important to remember that our partner is neither your parent nor your sibling and may not always understand why we choose to do what we do or the way we do it.

• How were you disciplined as a child?
• How was love shown in your home when you were growing up?
• What kind of money managers were your parents?
• What did your family do during holidays or festivals?
• Were your parents divorced? Did you grow up in a single parent home?

These questions are all examining Family of Origin Issues. “Family of Origin Issues” is a term that is often used in counselling and psychological circles to express the effect our families had on us as individuals and how we interact in relationships today. The way we were raised, the way we were loved, the way we were disciplined, the way the family functioned, or didn’t, as a unit, and the way we participated in family life has all helped to shape us into who we are, for better or for worse. This will have a profound effect on our relationships.

It is important to note here that, even though we are clearly influenced by our Family of Origin, we are all responsible for our actions as adults. Our family and the way we were brought up should not be used as an excuse to continue negative, destructive or unhelpful patterns in adult life.

Talk with your partner about the effect your upbringing had on you in different areas. You may be surprised to learn why they do the things they do.

CouplesQuestions pays a great deal of attention to Family of Origin issues and will give you specific, guided questions for you and your partner to discuss. These questions will help you avoid future misunderstandings and arguments.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 5:44 PM