The Stages of Marriage: A Reality Check

If you are getting married or are in the early stages of a long term relationship, it is really important to understand the stages of marriage so that you are prepared for changes and challenges as they come up. Below find one idea about the stages of marriage.

Stage one: Enchantment
You are head over heels in love, you can’t stand to be apart, you have so much in common, and you only see perfection -- even in your partner's tiny “flaws”. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, and you feel slightly drunk most of the time. You are both on your best behaviour and do anything you can to make the other happy. In a nutshell, you just can’t get enough of each other. A wonderfully exciting time! A great time to try CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!) with your partner.

Stage two: Disenchantment
For many of us, this stage is not nearly as bad as it sounds. Seriously. But, what it means is that as you really get to know your partner for who he or she is, and as a greater level of comfort is found in the relationship, some of the bloom comes off the rose. Reality sets in. Though there may be some disappointment during this time, I stress this is not all necessarily bad (many people find it a very comforting and relaxed time). However, some people will miss the excitement and romance found in the first stage of marriage and this may leave them feeling sad. As a couple, you will have to find a way to stoke that fire once in a while and remind yourselves how fun it is to be crazily and stupidly in love! Also a great time to try CouplesQuestions.com (coming soon!) with your partner. Why not?

Stage Three: Productivity
You have made it though the disenchantment phase and come out the other side. You and your partner work on building your lives together. This may mean a number of different things from finishing your education, to embarking on careers, to buying a house. Or, it simply may be doing the best you can to continue moving forward as a couple.

Stage Four: Children and redefining of self
After having children, you as a couple move from being each other’s lover and companion to being Mom and Dad. The transition to this stage can be challenging for many of us -- particularly because it is fraught with physical changes (not necessarily just for the moms!), sleep deprivation, and all kinds of ups and downs. The couple may find it difficult to find time to connect with each other in a loving, romantic way. Nevertheless, it is important not to lose sight of each other and make a special effort to make each other a priority at least some of the time. It is a demanding time for sure, but it can also be tremendously rewarding.

Stage Five: Post Parenting – Who are you again?
This is the stage that we are all really shooting for, isn’t it? The kids are grown, careers are winding down and hopefully we are all a little more financially secure so that we can enjoy ourselves a bit. Wouldn’t it be great to know that we don’t have to go too far to reconnect with our partner? Wouldn’t it be nice to have put in enough effort at our relationship over the years that we are not faced with a complete stranger in our bed once the kids have gone? Don’t you want to be that little old couple walking along who is holding hands after 55 years of marriage? You can be, but you won’t get there by taking your partner or your relationship for granted.

If you are still with me, thanks for taking the time to read to this point. Being aware of the stages of marriage should help couples to understand that their relationship, even if in a tough or awkward spot, is probably normal. Even with the ups and downs faced in absolutely every relationship, you can still have an amazing connection with your partner for decades to come. All it takes is a little attention, love and effort. Do it! You are worth it.

For more on the subject, Dawn J. Lipthrott has written a great little article on stages in marriage.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 4:04 PM