We Are Family - Get Up Everybody and Sing!

For many of us, getting married means more than just two people promising to love, honour and cherish each other forever. Marriage is the joining of two families, two sets of traditions and two ways of living life. This can be at times a wonderful and rewarding experience. At other times, it can be tremendously stressful and exasperating as each couple learns to understand and respect the way their partner does things, not to mention how things are done “at the in-laws”.

It can be very difficult to handle the various situations with extended family, but when Dan and I got married, we knew three things:

1. We were crazy in love with each other
2. We wanted to stay that way for at least 60 years
3. We wanted to live near our respective families

It was very important to us as a couple, and for any future children we were to have, that we be near our parents. Luckily both sets live in the same general area. We wanted to be able to know them as adults (not just the ungrateful children we were). We wanted to be able to assist them as they age. We wanted to share holidays and celebrations easily with them. We wanted to borrow their gardening tools and have them help us paint our house. (OK, those weren’t really in the plan, but they were definitely an added bonus!). Mostly, we knew we wanted a family and we wanted our children to know their grandparents.

Now it must be said that I know that I come at this topic with a generally rosy perspective as I actually LIKE my in-laws (does that make me weird?) and even like my own parents. They are all generally reasonable, caring and fun-loving people who enjoy their children (most of the time!) and adore their mutual grandchild (#2 is due in June). Because of their respect and open mindedness, both sets of parents have become friends in their own right. It is not uncommon, when we have asked one set of parents to watch our daughter for the evening, to find BOTH sets of parents spending the evening together as the world’s most loving and enthusiastic babysitting team. We are very fortunate.

Families can be very complicated and of course it won’t always be as easy as in our experience. But if family -- in-laws and extended family in particular -- is important to you, then you need to try to find a way to work it out.

What to do when you are finding this idea of joining families slightly irritating?

o Remember, as irritating as they may be, they are the people who raised the person you love and plan to spend the rest of your life with. Unless they are truly evil or criminal, they deserve some respect and tolerance.

o TALK TO YOUR PARTNER about what is irritating you. Together perhaps you can find a way through or around it.

o Talk with your in-laws about it in a diplomatic way. Don’t let tension build too high or you may regret it.

o Whenever possible, try and use humor to diffused the situation

o Agree to disagree

What to do when you are finding this idea of joining families downright unappealing?

o Is moving far away from them an option?

o You could try seeking counselling (or talk to some other third party) together as a family.

o TALK TO YOUR PARTNER about what is unpleasant to you. Remember to be diplomatic as they are his family.

o Set clear ground rules for getting along.

If you are lucky (I know that I was) you will have genuine affection for your partner’s family. That will make it easier to find ways to be inclusive and more accepting of any differences between the two sides. However, always keep in mind that you have made a commitment to your partner and, first and foremost, you are now each other’s family. Let your beloved know that he or she comes before all else in your mind.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!

posted by Heather and Dan @ 12:55 PM