Thought and Emotion: The Tortoise and the Hare of Reaction
by Erica Fritch
During premarital counseling, Steve and I seemed to continually impress our counselors.
Lech started off our introductory visit by warning us that he and Paulina (his wife) would discontinue the sessions and refuse to marry us if they felt we were not serious about counseling, our relationship, and the work required to create and maintain a good relationship.
We had both been interested in effective communication and how to be emotionally healthy and aware for some time, so we had both done a lot of work already before seeing Lech and Paulina. Their enthusiasm for our visits came, I think, in part from the fact that they had found people who were, like them, interested and practiced in above average communication.
familiarity breeds...
One of the most important maxims of dealing with other people that we had learned was that emotion travels faster than thought. Knowing this can make a huge difference in how you react to situations, comments, and people. We become so comfortable with our partner that we tend to be a bit more reactive to things he or she says or does.
Politeness keeps us from snapping at most of our friends and coworkers, but familiarity removes certain layers of formality and etiquette with our significant others. This is really the opposite of how we should treat the special person in our life. Why reserve better treatment for strangers and acquaintances than for the person we spend most of our time with?
A knee jerk reaction
When we can recognize that the immediate reaction we want to act on is emotion and is knee jerk, we can put it aside and think about that response. Once the emotional material is out of the way, it is easier to be rational and really think the situation, suggestion, or comment through. It gives us more control over what we experience and how we respond. Being in control of your emotions and reactions is far more pleasant than being at the whim of them. The resulting communication is far more effective, calm, and satisfying for everyone involved.
Cause and Effect
Emotions, of course, are real and should not be dismissed. They should not, though, rule your life. Words and actions from others elicit immediate, involuntary thoughts and emotions. When we have these thoughts and emotions repeatedly and experience them without analyzing them, we create feelings.
Because the feelings are repeated and accepted, feelings become our beliefs, and these beliefs create our behaviour. A person and her behaviour are two different things, and you can see from the evolution of this process that if we look at our emotions and keep them from interfering with our communication, we can ultimately control our behaviour with (relative) ease.
the struggle to communicate
Modifying our behaviour is far more difficult than learning behaviour. Most of us are stumbling though life trying to make the best of what we have been given and taught in terms of communication. Knowing how society treats children and that as children we are spoken to as children, not yet as humans, it is not surprising that many of us have not been taught constructive, useful tools to help us communicate.
Transformation takes time and practice, of course, and knowing this piece of information is the first step to making a change and improving your relationships – all of your relationships.
Contributor
Erica Fritch is a freelance writer, copy editor, and technical editor living in Victoria, British Columbia. If you like her style, send her an e-mail: blubelly (at) islandnet. She and Steve are happily married and expecting their first baby, Natasha.