Family of Origin Issues

The effect on your relationship

Family of Origin Issues

by Heather del Villano

How did your mother and father discipline you?
How did the people who raised you express their love? 
What kind of money managers were your parents?
What did your family do during the holidays?
Were your parents divorced? Did you grow up in a single parent home?

These questions all relate to Family of Origin Issues.

“Family of Origin Issues” is a term that is often used in counselling and psychological circles to express the effect our families – our mother and father, grandparents or others who raised us - had on us as individuals and how we interact in relationships today.

The way we were raised, the way we were loved, the way we were disciplined, the way the family functioned, or didn’t, as a unit, and the way we participated in family life has all helped to shape us into who we are, for better or for worse. This will have a profound effect on our relationships.

Doing things differently

Each family is distinct and the way each family operates is unique. When two people decide to get married, they are bringing with them not only their love, trust, respect and humour, but also the peculiar family values from the way each was raised. Some of these values may be considered large and significant like those related to religion or money. Others may seem to be inconsequential.

These issues may lead the individual to act entirely differently from their partner’s expectations or the partner may even perceive the actions as wrong.  It is important to remember that our partner is neither your parent nor your sibling and may not always understand why we choose to do what we do or the way we do it.

An example

In my family, birthdays were a really big deal, even for the adults. There was always some sort of fuss made with beautifully wrapped presents and a special cake and a general feeling of “today is YOUR special day”. We have several rituals around birthdays that are still followed today even though the children are well on their way to middle age. For me, it is not a birthday unless there is a bit of a fuss made over the birthday boy or girl.

In my husband’s family, things were quite different. As the children got older, they were much more relaxed about celebrating each other’s birthdays. They didn’t worry too much about things like wrapping gifts and sometimes even forget birthdays altogether. For them it is truly not a big deal.  

When we were married, we had to learn about each other’s expectations and needs. Me, so I don’t smother my husband with birthday activities and my husband, so I don’t feel disappointed and neglected.  

It is important to note here that, even though we are clearly influenced by our Family of Origin, we are all responsible for our actions as adults. Our family and the way we were brought up should not be used as an excuse to continue negative, destructive or unhelpful patterns in adult life.

Contributor

Heather is the CRO at CouplesQuestions. What's a CRO? Chief Relationship Officer, a role she shares about 50/50 in her own relationship with Dan!